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My heart goes out to you. You just wanted to gather him up and love him and raise him, it is so hard when they don't let you...when they can't or don't know how or have lost wanting to know how. You will find a lot of people who live and understand this on the fost-adopt forums, especially special needs (attachment).
Was he truly orphaned or in an abuse/neglect situation? Was his family life healthy and well bonded before joining your family? Did he show signs of lack of remorse, violence, little to no facial expression, etc., before joining your family? I am asking because three years seems like a long time to be stuck in a stage of grief that would give rise to acting out, stealing, etc., even if he did not get grief counseling. It sounds more like attachment issues, post abuse/neglect issues, organic issues, or some combination to last so long.
Grief therapy, family integration therapy, and safe, healthy attachment therapy can make a huge difference. If your son is on state health insurance for children, it should pay for it. If he is not, your insurance may. If it does not, you may be able to contact your local social services office for help and a referral to a community mental health center--these are sprinkled throughout the nation and states to serve those without insurance. You may have to pay something, but it should be on a sliding scale.
FD, too, has been with us three years. There was lying, stealing, acting out, and a lot of just plain weird behavior in the beginning. There is still a little of all of that but far less. Therapy and knowledge really, really helped. We took a vacation from it for awhile, but will probably start up again this year for various reasons. I doubt she will ever be completely "done" with it.
I have found that older fd and my older kids best like therapies that focus on activities rather than talking, or at least talking while activities are happening, whether play activities, attachment activities, or integration, etc.
Something in your post makes me feel that you genuinely care about this boy but need to set healthy and safe boundaries for yourself and family. If grandfather is in the same school district and can provide respite for your family while you are working on a therapeutic plan, that may be the safety valve everyone needs for now. Just a thought.
At 13, your son is plenty old enough to sit down and have a nondramatic, nonaccusatory talk about how much you all love him, how it hurts you to see him still in so much pain, how you wish you could help him relax into, enjoy, and be a real part of your family life as well as live his own life more happily without these handicaps. If you've figured out a way to get him therapy, you can talk about that, but I'd avoid the word "therapy" if you can, lol, that may get an autoreject reaction from him--just talk about having found someone who can help....
Then maybe go with the flow for awhile if grandpa is willing. Make going back and forth as easy as possible--two sets of toiletries, etc., so less packing and remembering, less feeling of not having a real place.
Try to remember, too, that while he may have been "your" relative, he is now your dh's son as well as yours. He is not something you "did" to your dh or family, your dh chose to father him. FD is my dh's relative, but she will be our daughter (actually, have felt she is our daughter for some time now).
Try to find the book "Love and Logic", it will help. Also look for ranoutofnames on the forums--she has far more experience with the older child issues than most of us and has seen both miracles and the worst outcomes. I think she will have much good advice for you on how to deal with the immediate chaos without blowing your family up.
Good luck and blessings on all of you whatever you do.
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