[didi20]

Thank you all so much!!! I have stayed away because my birthday makes it tough for me to be here because i feel extra vulnerable and heartbroken and i feel like being here is too much...i fought with everyone once again on my birthday because i get angry that i have to explain that my birthday makes me sad to my best friends...and i am a very private and bottled up person as i'm sure some of you are as well especially about adoption...i'm not so good at opening up and letting my feelings out...and i just end up fighting and getting angry over silly things like being forced to go out on my birthday when all i wanna do is sit home and cry and miss my mom until i have no more tears and then go to bed...i didn't get a chance to do that and its been creeping up on me...if i don't cry once in a while it just makes me extra cranky and sensitive...

My ED is also really becoming a bigger problem than I know what to do with and my family and most of my friends don't know and don't understand...it is also completely connected to how i handle my feelings about my adoption...ED is eating disorder...i have been suffering from bulimia for about ten years but in the past two it has become a serious problem...previously it was just unhealthy relationships with food and exercise...now it is out of control and i don't know what to do about it...i've been told i must learn to accept my adoption in order to work towards recovery...i can't seem to find any adoptees that have an ED and i am really in need of some help on how to work on the two together since it seems that i have no other choice...i don't know if any of that makes sense...all i know is that i miss her and love her every minute of every day and feel like i am incapable of loving anyone even myeslf...and the way i handle my feelings of inferiority and being rejected is through my bulimic behaviors...any advice would be appreciated...i don't know what to do anymore...