[Janeytwo]

Hey VegasMom!

I was glad to hear back from you as I always worry that in sharing about addiction I may alienate people. I'm a longtime AlAnon member and we're usually pretty quiet about it but sometimes the suffering of others just makes me want to reach out. Then of course being codependent I worry I shouldn't have reached out to start with. Sigh....an endless struggle this codependency crapolio!! I am somewhat afraid that even death might not cure it!

I have now found out that his aparents are telling him to just forget about me, that he has known them for 28 years and me for only a year.

she told me he talks to her about me and she knows he misses me. Of course all this crap does not help his recovery. Which by the way, his amom has completely derailed by buying him a bottle of wine for christmas-this from a woman who doesn't even drink!

On the stuff with your son's adoptiveparents. Hmmmm....that's a toughie. So many emotions from so many angles; so many people hurt and afraid. It is a minefield for sure. And it sounds like his amom is especially frightened or threatened perhaps is a better term. Then too, your son's illness has probably taken its toll on the sanity of those around him (not his fault - just his illness doing what it does). Also, there is this underlying fear - a jealousy of sorts - among people who are on the front lines of the addicts life. They worry that someone else will be able to do what they couldn't; save a loved one from their drinking or drugging. It's an odd quirk of the ego that takes years to overcome. Addiction wears the soul down after a while, until it is just a small husk inside the heart, buried under years of disappointment and sorrow.

Oh another wonderful nugget that his amom keeps on saying is that I gave him up 28 years ago so I just need to realize that I can't have him back whenever I feel like it. I gave him up, she tells my daughter in law, so that does not make me his mom.

It is very difficult to side-step the name-calling stuff. I know; I've battled that one myself.

Then again...maybe it's not name calling really. But that term "gave up"...it connotes some bad things to birthmothers sometimes. To some, it's as if we just simply threw up our hands and said "I give up! Take him!! I don't want him!! Give him to the Salvation Army!!" I think that there are people out there who because they are extremely ignorant actually believe that that's how we arrived at our decision to surrender our children. (Not saying your son's amom is one of them....just talking in general).

And you know a person can't find that kind of stupidity. In the end, it is it's own curse; causing someone to remain painfully blind to themselves and others. The cotton stuffed so far into the ears, a person couldn't hear traffic if they stood in the middle of the LA Freeway in rush hour.

She tells my son that obviously I did not love him enough to keep him-what does she think this is? A friggin contest or something? Well, she is winning because know I now he will not speak to me as long as he is living with his aparents.

I am hoping that some of the more senior members who are in reunion will see this thread and respond to it. I am not sure what to advise in this situation. It probably should fall to someone with far more experience than me. Reunion, from what I've learned, is a thorny thing that pricks everyone's skin and causes them to bleed. I will be praying though that there is some breakthrough somewhere so that the lines of communication can be opened in order to help all involved.

I am hanging in there because I know I will get the call when he really needs me, and I need to be there for him

This sounds like a very wise course of action.

(((( LasVegasMom )))) Hoping things can get better for you, your son and his adoptiveparents.