[Janeytwo]

Hey "Vegas Mom", Happy Holidays to ya!

You posted some good stuff. Let's see....

I do not agree with adoption. I would say avoid it at all costs. Adoption colored my very existence, changed who I was and who i became, and most importantly it changed my son forever.

((( LasVegasMom ))) I've had these very same feelings; very same. Just wanted you to know that I empathize with the pain behind what you wrote here. And I respect you for having the courage to share what must be very difficult and frightening to say openly.

I know my life would be completely different if I kept him, but I can't help but wonder what the hell did I do to him? Did I make him angry and suicidal and a substance abuser?

Don't take anything I write next the wrong way....it's going to sound point blank....not meant like that. I know you love your son. And that, as a mom, we all hold ourselves accountable for our children's struggles. But I want to try and take that out of it and speak pure Recovery here to you.

I can see how your first instinct is to say that because you relinquished your son, he now has an addiction problem. I'm sure that if any of my children were addicts, I'd think the same. But after after a few days of relfection and beating myself into the mud (which I dang well know I would do) this is what I would say too myself:

VegasMom - You must try - and I know this is very, very hard - but you must try and let yourself off the hook. Forgive yourself immediately for his substance abuse problems. With very few exceptions, you cannot "make" someone an addict - most especially if you have not been in their life. In fact, in that case, you're in no way responsible.

Maaaann I hope what I say next doesn't sound callous. I understand that we're talking about your child here:

Perhaps if I put it this way (and again I write this with compassion).....I live on a street with probably....I dunno....500 other adults on it. And if 1 in 10 people are addicts.....I believe that's the generally accepted statistic.....that means (and forgive my math - it's terrible)...but that means 50 people on this street are addicts.

And I ain't never met one of them. Don't know them. I am not responsible for their drinking/drug problems. Nor am I responsible for the addiction of the other 25 million + addicts on the planet.

You want to know who is responsible? The truth? Ehh...personally, I'm not sure anyone is. Addiction is a disease; one no one asks to have. We might as well say we're responsible for someone having diabetes or Rheumatoid Arthritis. And maybe that sounds like an oversimplification. Shrug. Nature vs. nuture. What came first the chicken or the egg? Addiction is alive and well and will remain so with or without any of our beliefs about it. Addiction is one powerful SOB.

In the case of your son, there are things that you as a mom can do to help him with this terrible illness. Primarily and most important - educate yourself. That would be the best thing to do. Learn about addiction. There are many excellent books out there on the subject; how it works; how it wends itself into the family dynamic.

It is a family disease; effecting every member. That would include you because he is your son. His disease is definately effecting you. You are doubting yourself, hating yourself, feeling like a failure. See...this is how addiction f***'s with people. It hits them where it knows it'll hurt them most and then they're paralyzed with fear, remorse, self-hatred and regret.

Dont' let addiction run that game on you, VegasMom. And notice how I didn't say "dont' let your son run that game on you". It's not him talking; it's his disease.

Don't let the disease of addiction keep you from loving yourself enough to help your son. There's nothing it would like better than that. Trust me.

As for his pain over adoption, as I read Adoptees' stories I see the pain it causes. Sigh....I do not know the answer to that except therapy perhaps and miles of compassion and understanding. And again education, which is why I come here.


On adoption itself? Regret and heartbreaking loss seem to be it's legacy. I guess there's no way around that but through it. For myself, I have begun to think that I did the wrong thing. That I should've lived in the street with my children because people in here and out there would've thought I was a decent mother then.

But what would my children have thought? Would they have appreciated poverty? I dunno. I just don't know.

Which sucks.....eternally.

Wishing you better days and praying for your son's Recovery. People do come back from addiction, VegasMom. I've witnessed it more than once with my own eyes. Hang in there, okay?

Much hugs!