[RaCHaeL125]

This past week has been really hard on me. My decision to pursue a search for my birth mother began because I had a strange dream in which my neighbor came over and told me that unless I deal with these feelings I will never be ok. I mean I was always very open about the fact that I am adopted to friends, and even some strangers. When they treated me like an alien, or tried to give me a pity party, I always shrugged it off like it was nothing, no big deal. I figured since I was always able to awknowledge it, and also able to make and keep close friends it was never a problem. So after the dream, I did decide to try to find her. Now I have her full name, and last known address. I got the letters the other day that she wrote to me right as I was born. Now, for the first time, I know that she loved me. Maybe she still does, 23 years later I don't know. So I've had a pretty crazy week. In hearing that she cares/cared for me, it made me realize how much I have always cared for her. And releasing all of these suppressed emotions, all the other ones I never knew I had are now coming out. Like my fear of abandonment, like my hostility towards people that are very close looking to their parents, like my fear of commitment, like my true anger at her and at other people in the world. It's VERY overwhelming, I feel like I am viewing the world with eyes now open. It's beautiful, but I also feel so utterly vunerable. I feel like I need to open up more, which is strange since I was always so open to telling people about my sex life or other things... But I guess I need to open up to myself about how I really may feel about people's existence in my life. Has anyone gone through this and how? Is there any way to deal with it besides an expensive therapist???