Hey Raven!
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Sometimes I was fairly adept at feeling the change in the air, and I could escape to my bedroom and into my books.
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I'm not sure now which thread I posted on on this same subject but on that thread I called this the "trip wire" existence. The wary, watchful eye. I have never been sure if it is a gift or a curse. On some level it keeps us safe but on another it keeps us removed from ourselves and others. It's hard to shake though - at least that's been my experience.
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And then I went to that horrid place you talk about, this life is all crap and I want to get on to the next one, blah, blah, blah. I scared myself... I felt so hopeless, so helpless
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And afterwards so drained. It's as if someone cuts into our psyche with an invisible knife and lets out all this fear and self-loathing. I have been that way a lot lately as I've watched so many of the people I love up here lose their homes, their jobs, their pride, their faith in government to fix it. I get scared then because I also feel helpless. I have no money to throw at the problem and so it seems impossible to overcome. The old tape, "If only I had a couple million in the bank." Sigh....in many ways money is still my god.
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And I think I'm ready to start looking at Step Two
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Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Came to believe. Those first the 3 words hit me....always hit me. It's not "decided to believe" or "fought to believe" or any other connotation of personal power. It's
came to believe. To me that implies traveling the path and slowly realizing that we were changing; that we'd found a quiet wisdom we hadn't had before and that we gradually accepted that wisdom. A peaceful kind of coming to believe.
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It's a hard thing to accept that we will never gain our parents' approval ......I know it's never going to come, but the hope is still inside me
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I am remembering once my hubby going to his mom's to install a floor for her. His parents are quite wealthy and expect their children to either be in the military or be brain surgeons. Hubby always chose his own path which caused great strain with his parents. He always wanted to own his own business which he did for quite a few years. But owning his own business took up a great deal of his time and he never got the PhD his parents had mapped for him or the top-brass title they would've preffered.
Anyway we were at the in-laws this particular day and there's hubby laying flooring and his mom is talking to me about a relative and she says, "I just don't get it. I mean she wants to be a hairdresser. It's rediculous! If a person doesn't have a college education then they're nobody really."
(Shaking my head still at the picture of hubby stopping in the middle of his work and looking back at his mother with absolute disgust. She'd just called him nobody and she didn't even realize it.)
I just shrugged and said, "Doctor or ditch digger. A person should love their children just the same."
She looked pretty embarrassed when she realized why I'd said it but it was too late. It was one of those things a person says and then it just stays out there coloring their relationship with the offended party.
Sadly, hubby deliberately left one of the floorboards loose so that it creaks everytime they walk over it. Sigh....he's not the most accommodating person when it comes to being the better person. He basically gives people as good as he gets. (Which is why I love him if I'm really honest!)
