RavenSong
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Is this what Step One means by the term unmanageable? What are your feelings and thoughts on the First Step?
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I grew up trying to control the situations in my home.. I was so scared that my mom would flip out.. get angry..
I still can not stand anger.. hate it.. I get panic attacks when anger is present.. in my home..
I run and hide and do not want to go on.. If I fight with my husband I go to divorce.. I am going to leave this life as it is and get on with the next one because this one is crap and awful and no one loves me..
Panic attack personified..
I hated growing up in a war zone.. and I loved when I read this in Beatties book.. about control..
I need to read this on a regular basis.. to be reminded.. because as she says that if I try to control where there is no control.. I am lost and unmanageable hits me hard..
From Melody Beattie.. from Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps..
Page 22..
...."I hate that I can't control... I hate being vulnerable and
helpless. I don't like feeling uncomfortable or being in emotional
pain. I get sick having to detach and surrender. But the love affair
with this step comes in when I admit the truth.. I am powerless over
much in my life, and when I try to have power where I have none, I get
crazy. I can't control others, no matter how much I want to, no
matter how much better I think I know what's right for them.
I can't control what others do, think, or feel, whether or how they
choose to interact with me, whether or when they choose to grow and
change, and whether or when they choose to recover from their
addictions.
Sometimes I can't control myself.
I'm powerless over the backlog of feelings and negative beliefs I've
accumulated. I'm powerless over my own and others people's addictions,
including addictions to alcohol and misery.. I can't control my
children or other people's children.. I'm powerless over results,
life, circumstances, events. I can't control the course of
relationships.. I can't control timing..
God, I wish I could control timing..
But I can't..
..............further down the page..
When I try to control people, I make them and myself crazy. When I try
to control addictions, the addictions control me. When I try to
control what others think of me, I turn into a puppet on strings.
Controlling makes me and others crazy. It puts me under the control
of whatever I'm trying to influence. I lose myself. I lose touch with
myself.
And other people get angry with me and tend to back off..
When I try to control situations and circumstances, I set up blocks
to events moving forward.. When I spend time and energy trying to have
power when I have none, I lose my ability to live my own life..
And if I try and control someone else I stop them from learning their life lessons..
I really have to watch that.. I think we got to learn our own life lessons.. figure them out ourselves..
Ah..
My son.. that is one very big lesson in control.. I have to accept that his life is going to be his.. and all I can do is accept..
Its not a reaction.. like it is when some go to a meeting and tell the telling on how bad it is or was..
How they want to leave the acting out alcoholic.. how they want the person made all better..
And in fact because of their trying to control the situation and make it better then are keeping the person running in place..
Remove the victim.. remove the self..
Jackie