Chroma, if it makes you feel any better, we are still figuring out how to navigate our son's OA too. We truly care about our son's bmom and it's still so awkward and so much harder than I thought it would be. I feel like we take 2 steps forward and 1 step back. I think it's been hard on me just because I think I had certain unrealistic expectations I set for her that she can't (and shouldn't have to) live up to. We rarely speak on the phone, almost always through e-mail, and only know each other on a superficial level. I have no idea how she's feeling with things because she doesn't really communicate those feelings to me. What I mean by that is that I don't know if she's had a hard time adjusting after our son's adoption or if she wishes I would call her more, less, just as things are (I actually don't know her phone # right now, so I can't call her), we just don't communicate as well as I'd like and, when I reach out, I don't always get a response. She keeps in touch, don't get me wrong, but we just don't talk about the reality and expectations of his adoption. Is this making sense? Obviously, though, I am WAY expecting too much out of our relationship and I've had to remind myself to just do what my DH and I promised in our OA agreement and leave her side of it up to her. It sounds like you're doing everything you can and it's just so hard to develop such an important relationship with someone who is, most likely, feeling such a mix of emotions and who you haven't known for long at all (I assume in your case). I still find myself e-mailing again after I've already e-mailed once and haven't heard anything for awhile, when, really, I just need to give her the space she needs to figure out how much involvement she wants to have in our relationship with her. The most important thing, I think, is that she knows you are going to keep your commitment to everything you agreed to with her and that, if she ever wants to have more contact, she can. That's the stance I've had to take, but it's just hard. I keep waiting for things to feel more natural, especially since our agency did such a good job of convincing us that open adoption was the right way to go. You'd think the "right way" would be easier, right?
I think, from what I've read from others, it just takes time. Sorry I've rambled on so much about my experience so far with OA-not trying to steal your thread!