Hey Quantum,
Sending many many hugs your way. I can see how your heart has been broken and mine breaks with you.
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He ended up being too late for his appointment. I got HELL. Absolute HELL. All because I forgot the time for his appointment.
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God forbid a person should have to grow the frig up and take responsibility for their own, pathological butt! But then, if they weren't pathological they'd know what responsibility meant!
And you can bet he's probably pulling the same garbage on whoever he's with now. Even if it's not on the same scale - this kind of person can't get well without help and they don't think they need it. I.e. the proverbial, "It's not me...it's everyone else on the planet!"
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He never actually hit me, but I understand how women who get hit feel after this experiance.
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Yeah. He did hit you sweetie; he hit you in the worst way; with words. He didn't go for your throat or your ribs or you eyesockets; he went for your psyche; he grabbed for the deepest part of yourself and tried to rip it to shreds. Words cut to the bone and words are worse than any fist; they haunt us for years; pain fades but the memory of insult remains.
He seems a true crazy maker of the kind that destroys a person's equilibrium; their sense of who and what they are. An abuser of the first order. Kudos to you for having the guts to escape him. That took some big brass ones, my dear friend!
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After I left him the only 'support' I got from my father was an unsaid 'well I told you not to marry him'. It's like he felt I got what I deserved.
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I have often felt a special kinship with you Quantum in the fathers we have. Not that I think that your dad is anything like mine was; don't mean to imply that. But there is a cold callousness that I read in him through your posts and it hits a long and desolate chord within my own being.
Some things I remember:
I remember when my father's father died. My father made a big to-do about taking a flight back home to be with granddad. A year later my mom's mom died and she wanted to go home too. Selfish, psycho dad says, "Oh for crying out loud (mom's name deleted here out of respect)! You can't possibly think we have the money for such frivolousness. Besides, I never could stand your mother anyway."
I remember once at the age of 7 playing hide 'n seek with him and I snuck up and said "Boo!" He turned around and screamed at me, "You are a terrible, selfish, hideous child! You almost killed me! Do you realize that people can die of heart attacks when someone scares them! You almost caused my death! You sicken me!"
Sigh.....many is the day dear Quantum when my father held me accountable for his existence. And those were the good days with him when I only felt like slime under a rock instead of the scummiest creature of a child that ever walked the Earth; a child waiting in fear to be beaten beyond pain. And afterwards he would tell me too look at the floor because I was filth not worthy of being looked at by anyone.
A tough thing to admit and the tears flow as I write this.
Still it was the words he spoke that did the most damage in the end.
Guess I'm saying I understand dear friend. And as you said of me on another thread. I say this as well; no less have you suffered in this life than me or others in your long quest to feel human again.
And I honor you in that quest.
Much love and peace your way today and always,