Didi, First off I just want to tell you how much I understand your pain. I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you even I don't know you I love you. I am also an Adoptee, and all though I knew my mother gave me up for good reasons and she really did love me and I got adopted into a loving home, I still felt this deep pain. In a part of myself so deep I couldn't think it or will it away. I too was a people pleaser most of my life. A chameleon being whatever I thought wanted me to say or do so that they'd like me. I am afraid of rejection and have those feeling even when that's not happening. (Ex. The other day a dog wouldn't stop and let me pet it and I got sad realizing afterwards that subconsioully perceived that as rejection) I have hard time pushing unhealthy people away even though I know there not well for me. I can often in relationships I don't really want to be in. I often need others to tell me that they love me to feel good about myself. I have hard time concentrating and have been diagnosed with A.D.D. I get anxious allot and seemed to get depressed ever 5 weeks. Allot of this I thought was genetic. I yearned for so long to meet my birth mom. And when we were finally reunited I was 21. (Just three years ago) it was a really good experience. It was something I wanted my whole life. It was like meeting a friend I had lost contact with. It was really hard growing up with allot of people I couldn't relate that did understand me. I felt like E.T. meeting some of his own kind. But the truth is the pain didn't go away I understood she was just setting boundaries with me but I still felt hurt at times and very vulnerable feeling like her actions were pushing me away and rejecting me. I decided to stop contacting her until I understood and came to terms to what was happening to me internally. I found book which I haven't read all of but really started to help me. We have to become our own psychotherapists and learn to soothe, love, nurture ourselves, I think really this book can really help you. It's not fault you having these feelings, it is normal. Being adopted has neurologically impacted us. Some people react differently but most people don't even consciously make the connection between this behavior and there adoption they just think this is the way I am. We have nothing to compare normal functioning to because we never really functioned normally. The name the book is "Coming Home to Self" By Nancy Verior it has many of the answers your looking. I hope we stay in touch each other on our healing journey and I知 here for you and I hope we can be there for each other in learning how to deal with this feelings. If you want to you can add me on msn my e-mail
spencerlaing@hotmail.com It really helps me to know that there others that have the same feelings. So thank you for helping me and I really hope the best. I have birthday coming up on the Dec 21st and I will be thinking of you. I知 not sure if I知 going to give me Birth Mom a call or not because I知 still very sensitive. But what matters that I知 ok and that I have good day for myself and stay positive.