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My heart crys for you and yet I understand where you are. You are not alone. I pray that the Creator of the Universe intercedes in your life and you have a space in time where you have peace in your life.
Have you thought about planning a special Birthday party just for you. Maybe a weekend away a time to be pampered. Invite someone to go with you or go alone, celebrate and grieve at the same time. I know that sounds crazy but hey, why not. Do you know anything about your birthmom and if not invent somethings and feel good about who you have become.
"i just want to know she loves me so i can finally allow myself to love or be loved...that's what hurts the most...i feel incomplete and incapable of love without her and i don't know what to do about it..."
It is good to grieve this loss and yet love her. You may not ever want to search for her and that is ok too. We all have our own ways of dealing with our loss.
You are not alone
Gavi
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