[didi20]

I had NO idea that bmoms were told to forget about us and move on...i think that's awful and i wish it weren't true...i've never thought about the fact that my bmom probably doesn't speak english and may not know enough about site to register for to look for me...i didn't know about any of these sites or lists until i came here...i only came here because i was urged by my MD to start dealing with this if i want to beat my ED...i guess the truth is i don't want to search...i'm too scared...i don't know why i'm so scared but i am...right now it hurts enough as the days get closer...you couldn't have put it better and i have never realized that i want everyone to make a big fuss over my birthday because i feel especially rejected and vulnerable on my birthday...right now it just feels like a day that i get to hold close to my heart and think that we have this special connection that happens each year...its a bittersweet moment and it is something i look foward to and dread each year...i now have a much better understanding of why my bmom may not have searched for me and i hate that everyone told bmoms to forget about their children but i'm just not ready to search and am not sure i will ever want to...i dont know if any of this post makes sense but i guess i am lost in all of this since i have never opened up about my adoption until i came here...i still miss my bmom everyday and love her more than anything...i wouldn't change any part of my life because i am a very blessed girl...i just feel incomplete...i feel scared that this fear of someone leaving me for someone better will never go away...i'm afraid that i won't be able to "let it go" and open my heart up again...i never have and i don't want to be alone...i feel so alone because no one knows how i feel and i don't like to talk about this stuff with anyone...my afamily is amazing and loving but i don't want to talk to them about anything it makes me uncomfortable...they don't know how i feel about this and they don't know about my ED battle...i don't know why i feel so secretive and afraid but i do...i hope at least a part of this post made sense...

if i could write anything to my bmom it would be,

i love you so much it hurts...i've missed you every second of every day...i'm not angry...i'm sad...i thank you for what you did...i am part of you and you are part of me...together i wish we could be...