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Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda
When a woman or girl.. or man or boy.. relinquish a child.. they are told to get over it.. (some are as always) get on with your life.. do the right thing and be happy.. don’t worry.. be happy.. My mom told me I went funny after I gave my first born up..
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My dad said the same thing about me, Jackie...that I changed after I relinquished my firstborn child...my only child. How could we not change?? Back then, we were expected to bury the grief, to deny it even existed. The big rule was to never talk about it...never talk about our babies. If we did talk about them, we were labeled as maladjusted or unstable. I think it was society that was so crazy back in those years. To expect young women to just pretend that nothing had happened, to pretend that everything was hunky-dory...that's the insanity, IMHO.
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Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda
And I think talking about it and expressing the feelings involved in the issues of someone that has been relinquished is very very important.. Its our reaction again.. we don’t want to feel guilt because we are part of the problem or issue.. so we want it to be all better.. Again its don’t worry, be happy..
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Jackie, you have hit on a really important issue here. In reunion, when an adoptee expresses sorrow or grief stemming from his or her relinquishment, do we as birthmothers shy away from these feelings because of our own guilt, our own hand in creating the problem? Do we feel personally threatened when our children have adoption-related issues?
It took me a while to deal with this when I reunited with my son. Before I flew out to California to meet him, I was working with a fantastic woman, an adoptee who created a wonderful triad support group and is now a confidential intermediary. She said something to me the night before I left that hit me like a ton of bricks. I hated what she said to me, but I instinctively knew there was truth in it. She told me that I was going to have to "eat some crow" where my son was concerned.
What did this mean, I wondered? I soon found out what she was talking about. I had spent 18 years believing that I had given my son up for his own good, in his own best interests. I never considered the possibility that the relinquishment, itself, could have caused my son any grief or a sense of loss. After all, the professionals back in 1972 said that babies were blank slates...that nurture was more important than nature...that if a baby didn't meet its mother, he wouldn't know the difference when he met his new mother.
But the truth of the matter is my decision to relinquish caused my son a fair amount of pain. He did have at the age of 18 a number of adoption-related issues...he never would have had those particular issues if he hadn't been placed for adoption to begin with. And I had to learn to own up to my own responsibility in all of it.
Sure, times were different...society was harsh...choices were few...pressure to surrender was enormous. But in the end, it is my signature that is on those papers. Nobody held a gun to my head, nobody forced me to sign. And even though my son intellectually knows my reasons for giving him up, inside my little boy's heart of hearts, it still felt like rejection. That decision I made 36 years ago caused him some pain, a loss of self-worth, some doubts about his very existence. He's worked through most of this thru the years, but I did have to "eat some crow".
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Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda
It just hurts my heart.. and I am sure RC3 is hurting as well.. We can not do them.. and the lessons put in front of them must be their lessons..
We cannot control their lives.. be them.. Love hurts sometimes..
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Jackie, I think this is the hardest part of being a mother, this lesson you speak of. We cannot live our children's lives; we cannot sort the things that they must sort for themselves. But we can be there for them when they come to us for solace...for love...for someone to listen when no one else will.