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Originally Posted by didi20
It was very helpful to hear from another bmom...I didn't know that it was possible to be told to never search or contact...I had no idea that my bmom could ever feel like she didn't have the right to search...that completely opened my mind and i thank you greatly for that...as much as it is great to know and opens my eyes i can't get past the irrational belief that its her fault and she has to find me for everything to be ok...I hate that I feel this way and know that it is wrong but its the only way I can make sense of it...I still have raw irrational thoughts that she made this decision for me without getting to know me and its her fault and all i have ever wanted in my life is her approval and love...please don't take this the wrong way and don't be offended i am well aware that these are not true or rational feelings and just raw pain and saddness talking...
I am not sure why yet but I am very against searching...i think its because i still think its her job to find me and if i search for her than it doesn't really mean she misses me and loves me but i just found her...i don't kow if that makes sense...I am also terrified to find her because I have built her up in my mind as some magical goddess and i don't know what would happen if anything negative were to happen...i couldn't handle that pain as well...I know that it makes sense that she thinks about me too on my birthday and its hard for her but that irrationally makes me even more hurt because I think that if she really misses me and cares for me that much she would just not care anymore and just come find me because it is too painful to be without me...i feel that way i don't search because i don't want to find her..i want her to come back for me...
as my birthday is getting closer i am trying to stay busy but i just can't escape it and i am dreaming about meeting my bdad and it hurts so much when i wake up because i'm so angry and i don't even know why i dream about him i never think about him...thank you again for all your support and love it really does mean a lot to me...
i just want to know she loves me so i can finally allow myself to love or be loved...that's what hurts the most...i feel incomplete and incapable of love without her and i don't know what to do about it...
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Dear Didi,
Another birth mom here. I can't tell you about your birth mom, only about me. I was indeed expected to got on with my life; to get over it and move on. I firmly believed that I have given him up and therefore I shouldn't look for him. That if he wanted to know me, it was his choice. Of course, I have since found out that he believed that if I loved him, I'd look for him. When I found him on this site, I at least knew he'd been looking for me and felt it was ok to seek contact.
I have always loved my firstborn unconditionally. I certainly thought of him on days other that his birthday. He was born on my 21st birthday. His first contact with me was on the eve of his 33rd birthday. This year marked the third birthday since we met.
You might do what I tried to do: register in various places so she can find you.