[Janeytwo]

Hey RC3! I'm Janey. Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry to hear about all that your struggling with now. I thought maybe I'd share a bit here....just answer some posts.... and that hopefully that might help you. I have been institutionlized twice (of my own volition) and am willing to speak - quite openly - about my mental illness; at least as I experienced it. One thing I refuse to do is be ashamed of my history of mental illness. I believe society as a whole would like very much to shut the mentally ill away and pretend they're not there but I find that notion rediculous to the point of absurdity. I.e., we ain't goin nowhere and nobody can make us!!

I have never apologized for being in "the bin" as I fondly call it and I don't shirk from that. So, please feel free to ask me whatever you like. I'll answer you - not a problem.


Raven

A few days before my sucide attempt, I was abducted by several guys....This event put me over the edge, so to speak.

(((( Raven )))) I know it must be hard for you to speak of this openly - even after all this time and I imagine that coming back from something like this must involve traveling down a very dark path not unlike slogging through nuclear waste. You've got a lot of guts, kiddo. We need people such as you; those who will talk of what happened and where it led them. Thank you for having the courage to share.

I made the decision a couple days before the actual attempt. And then suddenly my mood was a thousand percent better. Not because the depression was lifting, but because I knew I wouldn't be in pain very much longer.......And then I crawled into bed and went to sleep.

My sister Susie talks of this. She attempted suicide twice; once by slitting her wrists and once by throwing herself down a flight of stairs (while pregnant). She often says she didn't want to hurt anyone, she just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up.

I was so lost in the void, so out there in the darkness...I just couldn't figure out how to get back.

I can picture you, Raven; alone, lost. It breaks my heart to imagine you suffering this way.

Jackie

I honestly do not know how to help someone that does not want help.. and I immediately want to say.. cut off.. save yourself

I'm the same way. Part of it for me has to do with the harshness of the rules of my upbringing. You're born; you live; you die; it's over. Don't waste your time on pity for yourself or anyone else. Don't look back. Everyone has an angle; everyone is out to screw you over. Faith is a waste of time - so is faith in God. People who look at their own pain are the worst sort of cowards; the weakest of the weak. Strength lies in denial of self and soul. Never tell anyone anything. They'll use it against you at the first opportunity. Don't count on your friends; they're human; they'll turn on you.

That's some tough crapolio to put to rest and I know you know what I mean. We were raised one and the same I think in those rules.

Then too, there is the tyranny of the Program. Though it is a blessing; a path to freedom, IMO it also teaches a certain amount of callous detachment. IMO, the long-timers; the old sage ones? Jackie...it must take them years to learn what compassion with detachment is.

And I bet my son has no thoughts of anything bad he is just pissed off.. and its me with my insanity my cut offs that is thinking the way that I would think..

I looked up Alopecia as I'd never heard of it. It sounds like an illness that challenges a person's perceptions of themself in relation to how others view them. One of those illnesses that cannot be hidden. It must be so hard for both you and your son.

Go easy on yourself though, bud. I mean, you're a mom. What else would you do? Right? I'd be a ball of nerves too.

Love you guys!