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Originally Posted by RC3
I do agree 200%. Same age range too! He is saying that and we have discussed it. The problem is, when do we find a place for it? I wished my mom and I grew up together too but I didn't have hostility or so much anguish that I treid to make her feel bad. In fact, I think I absorbed most of the pain to make it easier on her.
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He is still very young, and boys are less mature than girls are at that age. Also, everybody processes pain and grief differently. If he *is* trying to make you feel badly, I think he's doing it out of his own pain. Have you ever tried to help an animal who's been hurt? They lash out at you, even though you're helping them. (I am in no way saying that an adoptee is like an animal. I'm saying that ALL humans tend to lash out when they're in pain, just like the rest of the animal kingdom.)
I'm sorry that you felt you had to absorb most of your own birthmom's pain in order to make things easier on her. That was wrong of her to allow that to happen, IMHO. Your son's responsibility isn't to make you feel better. If he is feeling depressed and angry (and, yes, the two often go together), that is how
he is feeling. He isn't doing this to hurt you--he isn't going through suicidal feelings to hurt you. This is about
him. I know what I've just said sounds harsh. And I mean you no harm...I really don't. It's just that sometimes we all need a reality check.
When I was 21 years old, I went through a very severe depression. I attempted suicide, and very nearly succeeded. If I had been taken to any other hospital than the one I worked at, I would not have made it. But my friends in the ER refused to give up during CPR. They kept on going way longer than normal to bring me back.
My mom was so angry at me when I came out of the coma. She made it all about her, how my suicide attempt made
her feel. She didn't see me, she didn't see my pain, she didn't see my despair. She just thought I did it to hurt her. To be honest, I didn't even think about her once the night I attempted to die, not that I remember anyway.
I think a lot of parents take their kids' emotional problems and/or mental illnesses very personally. Try to put yourself in your son's shoes. It sounds to me like he's turning his pain and anger inwards and doesn't want to deal with it any longer. Or so he thinks.... He may also want to know that you care enough to tell him that you want him to live.
If this *is* a game he's playing with you, then he still needs help, IMO. I think he's hurting....