[ttwst1]

I can sorta feel your pain and feeling of betrayal. I was 16 years old when I found out I was adopted. I was visiting what I thought was my aunts house, but after snooping through my cousin's (so I thought) diary, I found out that she was actually my sister and had known the whole time.
When I found this out, my puzzle started to fall into place. When I was adopted, my adopting parents were told that they could not have children due to female problems w/ my MOTHER. Four months after I was adopted, my MOTHER found out she was pregnant.
My MOTHER had three children of her own, all girls, yeah. I went from being an only child to a discarded child quickly. All of my dreams and aspirations when I was a child was met with great resistance from my MOTHER. My sister's, on the other hand, had to mutter a slight interest in something and the whole kit and kaboodle of tools or materials for such wants would be granted immedietly.
I know this sounds like a prelude to a "pity party", but the happenings are facts. When it was thought that my adopted parents could not have children of their own, I was a perfect option for them to have a family. But when the tides changed, I feel as if I were washed out to sea with the following cycle.
I have great respect for my adopted parents. They did take very good care of me, physically. When it came to the mental stability a child needs to be socially and individually functional, I had no shoulder to lean on or someone to dry my tears. I was always told that I was a martyr and that I would not amount to much more than a ditch-digger. My sisters were never put down or disregarded as I. They were my MOTHER's blood.
Now on to my biological MOM. She's a real piece of work too. I have contact w/her, but she is always trying to make me feel guilty. Why should I. I am 38 years old and have had my share of partners, but I remember all of their names. You do not lie down with someone for bedroom relations unless you have some sort of connection, and not just the same feeling of wanting some and never seeing each other again.
I am bothered most by my MOM because she can not remember the guy's name. How stuck am I? Luckily I have contact with a lady that grew up and hung out with my MOM during the late 60's-early 70's. She just so happened to know the guy's name, but she is not sure how to spell it. Just another rung on this endless ladder.
My whole problem w/the lack of knowledge as to who my biological father is one for medical reasons. I would like to know my origins also. I have no want to mentally connect w/the man because I already have a dad that I wouldn't trade for the world. He wasn't there for me much as a child, but has not been ashamed to admit his wrong-doings. I have great admiration for anyone who can admit their faults and actively try to change them.
As I was saying, I have known I was adopted now for 22 years, and I still have a hard time w/it. Maybe one day the fact will not bother me anymore, but until then I just hope I can keep it together.