she might feel angry or just detached from you. she obviously developed a healthy attachment to her adoptive parents. she might feel like you just don't have the right to call her daughter because you didn't raise her. that's what gave her a.mother the right to call her daughter, she might have reasoned. there are loyalty issues, you know. i feel strong loyalty to my mother. don't know what i'd do if i had two mothers to divide my love between. probably it would take me a long time to realize that i don't have to choose--that i could love both. but u know, everyone is different, and you have to respect your daughter's individual feelings, expectations, and emotional boundaries. she evidentally doesn't see you as a mother. it's painful, but she might never see you that way. it's not all or nothing. you can be friends, you can decide that within yourself and let her know that u do feel differently from her but you respect her different feelings and you don't "need" her to feel that way you feel in order to continue loving her, that you don't mind being just an aunty-like friend in her life. i think it's really healthy to talk with her about how she doesn't feel, if she doesn't feel attached to you, or comfortable with you, or really love for you. she should know that it's ok with you, that you don't mind, that you understand that she can't just feel love biologically since you were not there during the times when her family bonds were forming and solidifying. as time goes by, she might grow attached to you in the capacity of a trusted friend. maybe you could demonstrate your respect and acknowledgement of her family ties by asking her how her father's doing, giving him a gift, or if there are other family members, showing an interest in her life with them and in them as individuals. of course, you would have to deal with a lot of emotions that you might have stored up before you could interact with them in a cheerful, reasonable way. if you need some help doing that, i suggest personal counseling. otherwise, you might end up laying your emotional issues on the relationship, and that might be too much and break it. just some thoughts. good luck with your daughter and feelings
