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Originally Posted by didi20
I am not sure why yet but I am very against searching...i think its because i still think its her job to find me and if i search for her than it doesn't really mean she misses me and loves me but i just found her...i don't kow if that makes sense...I am also terrified to find her because I have built her up in my mind as some magical goddess and i don't know what would happen if anything negative were to happen...i couldn't handle that pain as well...I know that it makes sense that she thinks about me too on my birthday and its hard for her but that irrationally makes me even more hurt because I think that if she really misses me and cares for me that much she would just not care anymore and just come find me because it is too painful to be without me...i feel that way i don't search because i don't want to find her..i want her to come back for me...
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Didi, Your bmom is not a magical goddess. She is just a woman like you and I. Please keep telling yourself that. It is not just her sole responsibility to look for you. The majority of bmoms in America from the closed era were told to never look and that they didn't even have any right to look. You also need to remember that she is in Korea. From what I know about Asian culture, pain and emotions are not discussed openly and using shame or guilt is very prominent in families. It is completely different there. I can almost gurantee that she was told to forget she ever had a baby and it was not her place to search. You are clearly not in a place to search or even look in your own file. Have you read the book, "primal wound"? It is pretty deep but it could help you understand some of your feelings and pain.
Hang in there!!! You WILL get through this!