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I don't understand why you think it is your bmom's responsibility to find you, but you don't want to search for her. Perhaps she can't find you. Have you registered with the ISRR or other adoption registries? All you have to do is give them your birth information, and if your bmom is looking for you, then you will be easier to find.
There are lots of reasons why our bmoms may not be looking for us. I registered with the ISRR over 20 years ago, and I was disappointed that there was no match. I found out last year that my bmom had died many years before. So please don't think that your bmom doesn't love you if it seems she is not looking for you. There could be so many different circumstances.
You don't sound like you're emotionally ready in your life to initiate a full search, but it may not hurt to register your information and make yourself easier to find.
Otherwise, all I can suggest is that you find activities that interest you and keep busy, join a group or church or ??? As an adoptee, I know it's hard to accept that we may never know our bparents, but we have to accept things in our life that we cannot change. We have to learn to love ourselves; we can't expect someone else to fill the holes in our heart.
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