[didi20]

Thank you so much for all the support and comforting thoughts...I very much appreciate it all it helps to know i'm not alone and that others do care about me...its really tough for me because I don't talk to anyone about this ever and I hate to talk about it...because of how much it hurts me and it takes a while after i've talked about it to push it back out of my mind and for the pain and saddness to go away...

I know you are all right and I should feel lucky and celebrate my life on my birthday and I do feel very blessed with an amazing afamily and wouldn't give them up for anything in the world my afamily is my whole world...although my afamily does not ever talk about adoption...I know that my bmom made the right decision for me and for herself and i am lucky and have a blessed and special life...

It was very helpful to hear from another bmom...I didn't know that it was possible to be told to never search or contact...I had no idea that my bmom could ever feel like she didn't have the right to search...that completely opened my mind and i thank you greatly for that...as much as it is great to know and opens my eyes i can't get past the irrational belief that its her fault and she has to find me for everything to be ok...I hate that I feel this way and know that it is wrong but its the only way I can make sense of it...I still have raw irrational thoughts that she made this decision for me without getting to know me and its her fault and all i have ever wanted in my life is her approval and love...please don't take this the wrong way and don't be offended i am well aware that these are not true or rational feelings and just raw pain and saddness talking...

I am not sure why yet but I am very against searching...i think its because i still think its her job to find me and if i search for her than it doesn't really mean she misses me and loves me but i just found her...i don't kow if that makes sense...I am also terrified to find her because I have built her up in my mind as some magical goddess and i don't know what would happen if anything negative were to happen...i couldn't handle that pain as well...I know that it makes sense that she thinks about me too on my birthday and its hard for her but that irrationally makes me even more hurt because I think that if she really misses me and cares for me that much she would just not care anymore and just come find me because it is too painful to be without me...i feel that way i don't search because i don't want to find her..i want her to come back for me...

as my birthday is getting closer i am trying to stay busy but i just can't escape it and i am dreaming about meeting my bdad and it hurts so much when i wake up because i'm so angry and i don't even know why i dream about him i never think about him...thank you again for all your support and love it really does mean a lot to me...

i just want to know she loves me so i can finally allow myself to love or be loved...that's what hurts the most...i feel incomplete and incapable of love without her and i don't know what to do about it...