Okay, I'm a birthmother and I'll tell you how I feel. It doesn't mean every situation is the same, but here goes.
I placed my son when I was 19. I loved him very much. I didn't place him because I didn't love him - that couldn't be further from the truth. It broke my heart. But you're told to go on with your life and you'll forget. NO WAY! You NEVER forget! If your mother is anything like me, your birthday is probably tough for her too. She's probably depressed that she's missing yet another birthday with you and wonders where you are and how you're doing. If you feel this way, why don't you start a search? Maybe she's looking for you and is having no luck. Or maybe, like me, doesn't feel like she has the right to find you and possibly intrude on your life. I felt like if my son wanted to know me, he'd look for me. I didn't feel it was my right to look for him. Plus I could always hear the judge's words when I signed the final adoption papers 'you are never to search him out'. I know times have changed, but I just didn't feel like it was my place.
Fast forward to about 7 yrs. ago. Long story short, my son found me. It was one of the most exciting days of my life! He was then 27 yrs. old. It was the summer when we met and his 28th birthday was in January. So that year we were able to celebrate his birthday together! It was very difficult day for me (if you want to know specifics, ask) in some ways and absolutely wonderful in others. But now we've spent 6 more birthdays together and we really savor being together for this special day.
My son told me when we first met that he had started several different times to search for me and as soon as he hit a couple of dead ends, he quit. But on his 27th birthday he was standing outside alone on his porch smoking a cigarette and looked up into the sky and thought 'my mother is out there somewhere and is thinking about me today and I'm going to find her!' So he started searching again and didn't give up this time until he found me. We'll be sharing his birthday for the 8th time next month.
If you really want to know your mother, take the initiative to search for her. Don't wait. She might be looking for you or waiting for you to find her. Don't spend years just waiting. Things happen - you could wait too long.
Good luck and Happy Birthday.
