[lucyjoy]

T called me from the homeless shelter wanting to come home. "I'll follow all the rules, do anything you want, I have no place to go, my meds are all messed up." Followed by "My boss wants to talk to you." So, homeless shelter case worker, who lets me know she's not his boss, gets on the phone and puts it on speaker so T can hear and tells me that T is tired of the homeless shelters, he's had no behavior issues there, he qualifies for lots of services, will be getting a state appointed guardian and going to the independent living program in Jan(hmm, all the stuff I tried to do that couldn't be done). She wanted me to take him from now until the program started.

I said no. I can't take anymore abuse right now. When T left last time, S asked me repeatedly if T would ever live at home again and wanted to be sure that he wouldn't. I can't put S through this anymore either. And holidays are horrible for T which means violent for anyone in his path. Already struggling enough this year with my own ptsd thanks anyway.

Then he keeps telling me he loves me. He doesn't. And right now, I feel nothing for him but anger(wrong or right, it is what I feel) I can't help him anymore, at least not now. And I hate empty I love you's as those words are improtant to me.

I told him to call his uncle and try him(that's where my oldest, T's bio brother apparently went).

I know I sounded like a horrible person and quite frankly, feel like one. What kind mom won't bring her homeless, mentally ill son home at Christmastime? But I can't do it. I can't take the violence that comes with it, mental illness or not. A different time of year, maybe but I'm really struggling with my own trauma memories right now, and the potential for something serious to occur when were both triggered, is just to strong.