[aclee]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

Lots of thoughts......

First is, if you think to ask us I'd ask the emom you match with....if it's important enough to come to us to talk about, then in MY OPINION it's important enough to talk to the woman you hope to enter an open adoption with. Just my two cents there

I think the problem for me with you NOT asking is the implication that the reaction may ruin a match...if it DOES then maybe it wasn't the match for you.

Okay, now for ME PERSONALLY, I wouldn't have wanted Cupcake to be breastfed by her Mom.

Melissa said "nursing is about food primarily" - and while I understand the nutritional aspect, it's about SO MUCH MORE as well. I admit (and I know this is selfish) that I have an "ick" factor to it as well. NOT because of any cultural reasons or anything, but because it's something that my body was supposed to provide. I know it's selfish, and maybe silly, but I feel like breastfeeding is that step to being erased completely. If her Mom can do EVERYTHING I can, then what good am I? (Now I KNOW this is irrational, and like I said, possibly silly, I'm just tossing out some hard honesty). Do I just get erased into the abyss? Am I forgotten? Obsolete? Was I just an incubator? (I told you this would be ugly and selfish, but it's honest, so please, no flaming). I'm not saying ANYONE here feels this way about first moms, but if it makes ME feel that way about myself, than it's not healthy for me, and it's not where I'd want my daughter.

And, for the record, I placed two years ago and I didn't know until participating here that ABF was practiced - so no, I wouldn't have thought to ask.

If the bmom has a genetic disease that could be passed to her child, that you've never heard of and didn't ask specifically about because you didn't know it existed, wouldn't you still want to know??? I realize it's different, but I think you would have every right to be angry that she didn't disclose. If her answer was, "Well, you didn't ask! If it was so important to you that the child not have X then you should have asked...."

Honesty = best policy.

(PS all caps were emphasis, not yelling It takes less time to caps lock than click bold or italics and I'm lazy )

I just want to say that I empathize with what you are saying, but another way you could look at it TGM is that amom was just making another sacrifice for Cupcake, (adoptive BF is not easy, and involves some sacrifices for the amom) and you were smart and thoughtful enought to want the very best for your child. You don't strike me as the kind of lady that would want Cupcake to do without if you couldn't be the one who did it, you know? I think bmom's that place with an amom that BF can pat themselves on the back! I wish I could have done it, and I would have wanted a bmom that was ok with it. But I also REALLY wanted a baby, so I'm not sure I would have shared till after TPR. (yes I get that is wrong, but I was less experienced then!) It IS personal, and can be a deal breaker for some of the same reasons that TGM mentioned...I didn't ask M is she BF in the hospital, because that was her time with Ty. If she did, and didn't want to share that with me, or the doctors or whatever, that's her choice. I think that can go both ways. I think if you are BF before TPR is signed, then she has to know though...

Us Amom's have such hurdles to jump when we become Mom to a child...*if* we can BF, that helps knock some of them down, and allows a jump start on a healthy relationship...wanting a healthy relationship for your placed child is a great thing...

Like we ALL always say...it's about the kid, not about amom vs bmom.

(also, amom can't do EVERYTHING you can do TGM. She couldn't carry, give birth, or see Cupcake in those first minutes of her beautiful life...you would always have that...nothing amom can do that even comes close, or gets her those memories)