[Emberbit]

My daughter's mom didn't plan to nurse but she knew I intended to nurse in hospital (which strangely, was a deal breaker for some parents). She asked if I woudl pump and we left it in the air. If I hadn't pumped, baby woudl have been formula fed but...

I did nurse in hospital and I pumped after. Baby drank my milk exclusively, sometimes straight from the tap, for her first 5 months. When I felt I couldn't do it any more and they started introducing formula, it wasn't going well so baby's mom induced lactation. Now she's pumping for the baby (suplemented by frozen leftovers from me).

When I first heard that she had decided to induce lactation instead of switching to formula, I was really really grossed out. Our relationship is open enough that I expressed (timidly) that it bothered me. She told me that she'd rather have me pump but that she couldn't make my decision. I had chosen to stop so she was *making the next-best choice for her baby*.

We talked about my feelings and they did what they had decided. My feelings did not impact their decision - adoption is not co-parenting - btu if I've learned anything these last few months, I've learned not to try to hide my feelings. If they stay bottled up, they 'cause trouble.

That said, if baby's mom had planned to breastfeed or decided to induce lactation at any point before TPR, it would have bothered me and we would have talked about it. Either I would have gotten over it or we would not have been a good match. If I found out post-TPR that she had planned to induce and didn't tell me, it probably would have damaged the relationship; I'm not sure how much.

I don't know your posts so I don't know what level of openness you're hopign for. But baby's parents wanted it VERY open and we knew we couldn't hide our feelings on either side and keep the level of openness we wanted.