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Unfortunately, she cannot read minds, she can only go by what she sees and hears. What she saw while at your house was that her words and actions were welcomed and not only acceptable, but appreciated. What your partner told you was that he was feeling something entirely different. He's being dishonest with one of you- either with her by his actions or with you by his words.

It's pretty easy to fall into the trap of people pleasing- of being who you think each person wants you to be while with them. It takes a bit of gumption to take a deep breath and speak truths that may be hard to hear (whether for you, for his birth mother or his adoptive mom). It can be really hard to do this in the beginning because it can take a bit for his head to stop swimming and to even figure out what he wants. I would encourage him to do his best not to switch roles back and forth, but to decide his central truth, with what level of relationship he is currently comfortable and what boundaries he wishes respected.

Then, he has to communicate those clearly. She can't be expected to just know without being clearly told, especially when he seemed to accept and reciprocate everything she said and did. I haven't been through it myself, but from the many awesome birth/first moms here, I know it can be difficult to deal with the overwhelming rush of emotions on reuniting with their children, and especially difficult to know what's okay and not okay in terms of affection and place in the family. What's really frustrating is lack of communication and mixed messages. Help her with this.

I saw my son do a bit of this in reunion (do one thing/say another) and it really frustrated me. I wanted him to be honest and share the same truth with both of us- not give me what he thought I wanted and do the same for her. I wanted him to own himself and have the courage to be honest with everyone regarding the same truth all around, whether it was hard for her or for me, I just wanted honest communication. But it was hard for him not to do this as a coping mechanism for feeling in the middle.

As for the wedding, I would hope you would decide together whom you are comfortable inviting and on what terms. That's your decision as a couple and no one else's to impose on your for any reason.

You can acknowledge that this is a difficult and confusing position for him to be in and that it will be hard to work out. You can ask for what you expect as a partner in terms of respectful behavior in your home and in his relationships. You can tell him you'll be his cheering section, but not his ambassador.

Don't get suckered into being the go-between. It will likely result in one or both of them getting angry with you. I fielded a phone call from my son's biological mom where she wanted my affirmation and agreement with the requests she was making of him and I had to just keep repeating that it was between the two of them to work out and not for me to affirm or oppose. I had to repeat this several times. After you deflect things back to between them a few times, they'll get it.