[didi20]

Thank you so much for sharing that with me...that's a very good way to describe it...it just is a day when i am reminded that i lost my bmom and it just hurts too much that day...It even helps to know that I am not alone in feeling this way...It is very hard for me because its the first time in my whole life that i'm really starting to attempt addressing the intense pain that I feel about this...I never knew I had all these feelings about it...I dont know if that makes sense but its true...I feel like I just found out which sounds silly but that's why i feel so raw and hurt about it now...I just don't want to be alone and want to be able to let go of the feeling that the only way my birthday will be ok is if she comes back to me...that's the worst and hurts the most...I want to be able to feel like its ok to let people in and i don't know how...right now i just feel too much pain and fear to let anyone in and i'm so lonely...i know its not true but i feel like the only way it will be ok is when she comes to get me and tell me that she has missed me every second and loves me...that's what hurts because every year on my birthday I am reminded that that's not true...and left broken hearted and disappointed...I hate being so angry and hurt by someone who i love with all my heart and have never met...I know this sounds really really awful but sometimes I just wish I wasn't adopted and looked like the rest of my family so my life would make sense...