[beenthereb4]

Hi there

This is my first message - hi to you all - have been reading heaps of other postings to get a feel for how things work.

My situation is this: My partner was adopted out at birth - he knows he went to a foster home for ?? weeks and then was adopted by his parents and joined a family of 3 other adopted boys. He has always known and had family support should he choose to look into his adoption. He has known the names of his birth parents.

He received a letter from both birth parents (seperately) about 20 years ago but was not in the right space to deal with what could happen should he respond and open theis big can of worms.

We had been looking through the internet during the last 12 months with the intention of making contact with both parents - mainly birth mother. We tracked down (very easily) some information about the birth father but did not take this any further. Until about 6 weeks ago he passed away and we read this in the newspaper. My partner made contact with the funeral director and was put in touch with the son - half brother to my partner. He was happy for the contact and altough he was unaware of my partner's existance was not surprised. These 2 talked during the week and we had hoped to travel for the funeral. This did not eventuate due to family and work commitments. My partner is accepting of the fact that he no longer has the opportunity to meet his birth father but is pleased to have heard so much about him and understand some of his own traits.

It was through this connection with my partner's half birth brother that he told us where the birth mother was and what name she now is known by.

It took me about 2 minutes to track her down. I sent an email through a website and advised I was looking for a person name ***** who was born **** in **** and would be keen to know if she was able to assist.

Anxiety got the better of me and after no reply I decided to call one day and follow up on the email. She answered the phone - I introduced myself and mentioned I had sent an email. She said she had received this and had also replied and was very open agreed this was her. I told her I was helping someone to locate her and I would now pass on the details for that person to make direct contact if she was open to this- she replied by saying "it;'s one of my children isn't it" At that point I did confirm and asked her how she would like to contact to happen. My partner was with me when I made this call but was not ready to speak with her at that time. She asked for a letter. His mother (a/mother) took very ill the next day and we were throwen back to normality dealing with this. The following week I received emails from this lady saying she was desperate to have this contact and would like me to email a photo -I did. The emails continued from her, which I replied to and acknowledged the adoption that I was part of within my own family. I told her although I was not adopted I could relate as my mother had adopted her first son and we reunited when he was an adult.

She asked for my partner to call her as she was not prepared to wait any longer for a letter - even after I told her that his mother was ill and this had distracted him - he was raised in an awesome loving and supportive family and loves his mother to bits.

That was 6 weeks ago - since then she has called, emailed, and built a relationship with me and my partner. She sent him a card for his birthday and he sent her one for hers a week later. We have also received calls from her other child (a daughter born to the same father 1 year later).

This was all very exciting and quite open but from where I am now it appears to have been too much too soon ... She calls him "Son" and he called her "Mum" ... she came her last weekend to meet with us - but as soon as it was arranged with me (and him) that she would come she has excluded me and made direct contact with him. She demanded he collect her and spend time alone. She arrived to our house and although she acknowledged me when she arrived and said "hello" the communication after that point was very scarce with me.

She wanted to come to us to see what her "Son" is like in his own environment and understand who he is in normal day to day activities. However, she got drunk on Friday night, and started acting in a manner I feel is inappropriate. She would cuddle him, she would run her hands down the sides of his face and kiss him whilst telling him "i love you" this continued through to 3am - I had gone to bed as I was not being included in any conversation and when I was talking with my Partner she would sulk and wonder away - hence he would run after her so she was not alone.

This level of interaction continued - even when he was asleep on Saturday morning she went into our bedroom and woke him. By this time I had left the house and taken my son to sport. They came to watch the game, but again there was only communication with my partner. She excluded me and my children (not her grandchildren).

Even when my partner went to have a rest in the afternoon, she sat outside and did not want to come and make conversation with me. I tried to open conversation but was either ignored or received a cold response.

I decided that our planned dinner out was best for the 2 of them rather then the 3 of us. I advised my partner that this would be better to enable them more time together. I told him I was not feeling part of this - and I accept to a degree that I am not equal here - but I do not expect to be treated in such a way that I am no longer made welcome in our own home.

I made sure I told my partner very little at the time other then I was feeling the way I was and that we can talk about it later but for now they needed to spend this precious time talking about what they needed to. My partner was upset as he admited he was so caught up in her needs that he put his own and ours aside - thats another issue we have worked through - but he did make her aware of how I felt. She confronted me - without apologising - and said she was just over excited but did not intend to exclude me. They went out for dinner.

On sunday morning - again she had the opportunity to talk with and my children had she wanted to - but she choose to stay in her room until my partner came out and she was right behind him - he was the only one allowed to go the airport with her -

But as soon as he came back home - he had a huge sigh of relief. He said he felt pressured and that although she gave birth to him she is not the mum that raised him and taught him all that makes him a man, father, partner, neighbour, friend, etc that he is today - all the things she did not see as she kept him isolated from the rest of the world.

We both admit that in the excitment leading up to the meeting, we possibly gave too much and now want to retract this - he does not want to refer to her as "Mum" and he is not comfortable being called "Son" by her.

We are getting married next year - and she has sown the seed (or planted the **** tree) to make sure we know she (and her husband, and daughter, and step children and grandchildren) expect to be there as FAMILY.

She has texted him and said how much she loves him, she has emailed me and told me that if she acted inappropriately then she apologies. Neither of us have replied yet as we are unsure how to reply and set the record straight. She has advised me by email today that she wants to come back down before xmas with her husband.

I feel she is the mother in law that we wish we did not have to deal with - although I have commited to treating her like I woud anyone else in my life with respect and also respect the choice my partner makes.

He agrees with me that she was overpowering and dominating, and it upset him when she asked to be taken to meet his mother - the mother she knows is really ill at the moment and would not be able to cope with the possible confrontation of meeting her - and why!!!

There are questions he needs answers to;
1) why was he adopted yet she had another child 1 year later to the same person (who was married) and chose to keep this child -
2) did she ever keep in contact with him through his family
3) was he ever mentioned to his sister whilst she was growing up
4) .........

I would welcome any suggestions you may have to help us understand this more and suggestions of how to slow this down and have her as someone in our lives but not as a mother - he already has one.