Hello,
I am a total newbie to these forums, but they look great! I'm glad to have the opportunity to read about other people's experiences and to share my own.
My husband and I just adopted our son 7 weeks ago.
We adopted him as a newborn from my husband's neice. It's an open adoption, and we're thrilled with everything.
Except...(there's always an exception!!)
Birthmom "Anna" was homeless, had 2 girls already, an unplanned pregnancy, no education, and only 20 when we met her. She had tried to abort the child, but when she heard that I could not have children, the family joined us together and eventually we realized we could help each other: she could make me the mother I thought I never could be, and we coudl help Anna become a self-sustaining member of society.
While she and her girls lived with us (4 months), we learned a lot about each other. She helped me learn about the rigors of motherhood, and I helped her with a lot. Anna came to us with 2 bags for herself and her girls and nothing else, literally. She had no ID, no SS card (she is American-born), etc., just to give you an idea. So hubby and I set out to help her. We ultimately connected her with two non-profit agencies to help with the adoption process, her counseling, etc., so that she could make her decision without feeling like she owed us for what we'd done for her.
She's been in her own place for 4 months now, living off of the 2 agencies for major expenses, and me and hubby for minor expenses. She did experience major setbacks educationally because the last couple of months of her pregnancy were terrible (in/out of the hospital), but the monies from these agencies run out at the end of December.
Since the birth of the beautiful little boy--whom she did sign over rights for the adoption--she has done next to nothing to better herself. It seems as if the only things she will do is when I or my parents (who have taken over for me because of the baby) literally stand over her! Unless one of us is standing over her, she won't do anything. Until recently, she wasn't worried about the money running out...
My husband and I are teachers; we can barely afford our own family. Though my parents do have money, they treat Anna as family and therefore expect her to pull her own weight. They will not condone laziness. They've told her time and time again that they will help her if/when she helps herself. (And Anna and her girls are a part of our family and they do join us for holidays, birthdays, get-togethers, etc.) Recently we've all grown very frustrated with her because time is ticking and she's not concerned!?
We have made it clear to her that she and her girls cannot move back in with us or my parents. She will lose her apartment if she cannot pay her bills. That message was sent with a "tough love" feeling that really hurt, but it had to be done.
Unfortunately, she pulled the "baby" card by saying, "It's like your parents got their grandchild, so now they're kicking me to the curb." Nooooooooo, not at all. Would the be taking her to fill out applications, teaching her to drive, taking her to the doctors, etc. if they were kicking her to the curb? I don't think so.
Part of me is offended for my parents' sake because I know how much they are trying to help her. Most of me just feels an immense amount of anger toward Anna for making excuses/not pulling her weight. I also don't like that I personally feel that I "owe" her because I adopted her baby.
But what am I supposed to do? How can I help Anna without insulting her? How can my parents help her when she doesn't really want to help herself? What do you all suggest we do? No matter what, she is family and will always be family, so it's not like I can ever--or would ever--turn my back on her or her girls. But I and my parents won't be her emotional slave, either.
In advance, thanks.