RavenSong
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Jackie, I know logically that my mom was wrong in her thinking...I know this as an adult. But when I was a little kid, I thought my mom was all-powerful and always right. That is what I'm fighting now inside myself. That little girl inside who still thinks her mommy is always right. I'm trying so hard to sort everything out, but it gets confusing.
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From the same book as above.. and in the same chapter.. page 40
Healing the Shame that Binds You.. John Bradshaw..
The parenting rules used in most western world families create massive shame. Add alcoholism, incest, physical abuse to these systems, and you get major dysfunctional. Alice Miller has summed up these rules under the title of Poisonous Pedagogy. These rules state:
1. Adults are the masters of the dependent child.
2. They determine in godlike fashion what is right and what is wrong.
3. The child is held responsible for the parents anger.
4. The parents must always be shielded.
5. The child’s life-affirming feelings pose a threat to the autocratic adult.
6. The child’s will must be “broken” as soon as possible.
7. All this must happen at a very early age so the child “won’t notice” and will therefore not be able to expose the adult.
For Your Own Good(her book)
He goes on to say.. that some parents know not what they do.. quoting Alice Miller again..
And IMO we can forgive them.. through this kind of thinking.. but.. but.. its still in us.. things that broke us.. that were done to us before we even remember what happened.. and that’s what we seek.. and destroy.. and understand.
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Whoa, this part of your post gave me an 'aha' moment. Of course we learn by our own mistakes. What in the heck was my mother thinking? "Do it right the first time, or don't do it at all." How in the world is a child supposed to know how to do something "right" the very first time, especially without being taught how to do it or being given a chance to do it and then getting it wrong. Child of a perfectionist...grows up to be...in therapy for years on end.
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She did what she learned..
It was interesting.. when I started reading and watching Bradshaw in the eighties.. I learned that I was passing a lot of my crappy bits on to my kids.. and I changed.. I allowed my kids to make a mistake in order to learn.. I allowed them things I would not have allowed them before I read what I posted above..
I changed..
Some of our parents can’t change.. and then I go to that forth step passage in the BB of AA..
Page 64 or 65 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
That is when I switched.. my mind switched..
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I was just wondering if I applied her mandate of doing it right the first time or not doing it at all when I decided to surrender my son? Was I afraid that I'd make a mistake in raising him? Did my knowledge that I would not be a perfect mother have anything to do with placing him for adoption? Or was it just too darn hard?? I don't know...but I do have something to sort out about it.
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No blame on any of it.. we are humans.. we do human things..
Jackie