Janeytwo
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Yes I KNOW that God! Can I go to the next movie now, please? Can I skip the part where the loser/heroine/Queen of Denial has an emotional breakdown because she finally realizes in her deep heart of hearts what happened to her? Can I skip that part please? I'll do some other kind of penance. I'll....I'll hang out with the sterling white people and talk about nonsense crap like which is better - sugar from a spoon or sugar from a cube! Heck, I'll play golf and drive around in one of those carts that the rich people rent!!! Anything!! Anything but having to let go and grieve!!! Anything but that because that's when I go from being the guy watching the guy in the foxhole get blown up to being the guy who gets blown up!!! I hate it! I hate it!
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From Healing The Shame that Binds You.. John Bradshaw..
page 40
On The Dysfunctional Family Rules.
4. Denial of the Five Freedoms – The five freedoms, first enunciated by Virginia Satir, describe full personal functionality. Each freedom has to do with basic human power …. The power to perceive; to think and interpret; to feel; to want and choose; and the power to imagine. In shame based families, the perfectionist rule prohibits the full expression of these powers. It says you shouldn’t perceive, think, feel, desire, or imagine the way you do. You should do these the way the perfectionist ideal demands.
Bradshaw looks at what should have happened to some of us when we were raised by healthy minded adults.. the power to perceive to think to interpret to feel.. etc..
Some of us did not get this.. and we learn how to deny ourselves the legitimate feelings that are endemic in living a life that is heck.. normal..
The perfectionist rule.. I could not be pregnant.. must not be pregnant.. must not fall from grace.. not allowed.. and if I did (which I did) I must go through any horror in order to protect the denial in my collective family.. When I was pregnant in 1965 abortion was illegal.. so I had to find someone to abort my baby in order to protect the family.. from shame..
I went through some terrible times.. and I finally said no.. and my mom was shocked.. she did not want anyone to know about my fall from grace.. and so I moved heaven and earth to make sure no one knew.. I got a job in Grand Bahamas and worked and saved till I showed.. I never went near where mom and dad lived after I showed.. It was all about the denial..
The power to choose.. heck.. I had no choice..
Grief.. is not the perfectionist way.. Don’t show the pain.. stiff upper lip.
This is the legacy..
The Dysfunctional Family Rules
1. Control – One must be in control of all interactions, feelings and personal behavior at all times …. control is the major defense strategy for shame.
2. Perfectionism – Always be right in everything you do. The perfectionist rule always involves a measurement that is being imposed. The fear and avoidance of the negative is the organizing principle of life. The members live according to an externalized image. No one ever measures up.
3. Blame – Whenever things don’t turn out as planned, blame yourself or others. Blame is another defensive cover-up for shame … Blame maintains the balance in a dysfunctional system when control has broken down.
4. Denial Of The Five Freedoms – The five freedoms, first enunciated by Virginia Satir, describe full personal functionality. Each freedom has to do with basic human power …. The power to perceive; to think and interpret; to feel; to want and choose; and the power to imagine. In shame based families, the perfectionist rule prohibits the full expression of these powers. It says you shouldn’t perceive, think, feel, desire, or imagine the way you do. You should do these the way the perfectionist ideal demands.
5. The No-Talk Rule – This rule prohibits the full expression of any feeling, need or want. In shame-based families, the members want to hide their true feelings, needs or wants. Therefore, no one speaks of his loneliness and sense of self-rupture.
6. Don’t Make Mistakes – Mistakes reveal the flawed vulnerable self. To acknowledge a mistake is to open oneself to scrutiny. Cover up your own mistakes and if someone is makes a mistake, shame him.
7. Unreliability – Don’t expect reliability in relationships. Don’t trust anyone and you will never be disappointed. The parents didn’t get their developmental dependency needs met and will not be there for their children to depend on. The distrust cycle goes on.
I can remember Bradshaw saying or writing.. “You don’t know what you don’t know.”
Jackie