[didi20]

I appreciate all the support very much...I was in therapy for a while but my insurance ran out and my therapy was geared towards my ED a little more...

In theory I know I am loved and special and that my bmom had to make the best decision she did...I know that she was 20 and got pregnant from a one night stand...that's all i know...i don't even know her name...mostly I don't want to know because it hurts to much to even open up that file...

In my heart I feel angry and don't understand how she could hold me and know that she made me and brought me into this world and feel ok never getting to see me again...I don't know what she looks like or her name and I am heart broken that she doesn't come back to get me...I don't care about her reasons because she got to make this decision...I didn't choose this..I want to know what she looks like and more than anything I want to feel her hug me and tell me she loves me...I feel like that's the only way this will be ok...I know that this is all wrong and not rational...I just wish she wanted to know me and missed me enough that she would forget about everything and come find me because i'm that important...i feel like i dont deserve anything and i'm just a stop gap until something better comes along...I have bottled up these feelings for so long that I don't even understand them...all i know is how much it hurts and how no one can ever meet my expectations on my birthday because all i really want is for someone to hug me and tell me they love me the most and would always pick me first...i feel like i don't deserve that...i dont' even know how to open my heart and myself up to anyone...i'm so alone and i hate it but i don't know how to get past feeling like i'll be dropped when something better comes along...i constantly go out of my way to be the best or to please people so that they won't leave me and they always do...i am tired of being so lonely

It is so hard for me to even speak about this because it causes me so much pain and saddness...i just don't know what else to do and just want to know how to get through my birthday...please any advice is welcome...i just feel like its too much saddness and don't want it to be that way forever...