[Janeytwo]

Hey Everybody! Hugs! Lots of them!

Raven First - and most important - please forgive me for not getting back to you when I said I would. This weekend has slipped away from me somehow! I am hoping it is not my age that's tripping me up! LOL! Hope ya know I luv ya kiddo!

The ones that really resonate with me are laughing when I feel like crying; vacillating in decisions and emotions

Getting a grip on emotions. That's the trick isn't it? I feel many of us were raised to either deny our feelings, be ashamed of them or we were taught not to acknowledge their power. The first thing I ask my daughters when they're upset is, "What are you feeling right now?" I ask them that because it's been hard for me to learn to put my finger on what I'm feeling - as to what I'm supposed to be feeling that's acceptable within the family dynamic.

I haven't wanted that for my girls. I've wanted them to be able to stop and turn inward and give themselves time to answer that oh-so-important question, "What am I feeling right now?"

That's been masked for so many of us. And for me, being institutionalized twice - I came to fear my feelings. I feared what the doctors were thinking of me if I had any. Though as it turned out, they were more concerned when I said I didn't have them.

I have a horrible time making decisions. I'm always scared to death that I'll make the wrong decision.......I feel like I'm frozen or paralyzed by inaction. I get scared of making a decision, and end up making none

((( Raven ))) How well I know this one.

There's this famous saying by....uhmmmm....by somebody....let's see...how does it go? Oh yeah! A person who doesn't make mistakes, usually doesn't make anything. I believe that's how it goes. Sounds like gospel to me!

In AlAnon they say that no one can do anything - make any move or decision - until they're ready. And that's okay. We'll get there!! Just maybe we're walking and someone else is taking a cab. And you know what? When a person's in a cab? Well it seems to me they're either busy worrying about the operator's sucky driving skills or they're chattering away on their cell phone about something inane and missing the scenery in the process.

Thanks but I'd rather walk. Because in walking, I've got a better chance of spotting that deli on the corner with the awesome selection of cheesecakes in the window.

Jackie Hey ya!

Denial refers to our ability to ignore what is happening, even when it is right before our eyes. We do this to protect ourselves until we are ready to face the truth. Part of us knows what’s true; part of us knows what’s real.

...........

What about us sharing on this here denial.. thingee..

I remember reading once about something that Jackie Kennedy did after JFK was shot. This was later - at the hospital in Dallas. She was there and she took a piece of her husband's skull out of her pocket - she'd picked the piece up from the flooboard or somewhere in the car after he'd been shot. Anyway she handed this piece of him to the doctors and said as calm as day, "Here....you might need this."

That story has stuck with me because that's the denial I understand - though I in no way compare my loss to what that poor woman witnessed that day. But it's felt like.....well....like that kind of thing........like being in a foxhole and the guy in the next one gets blown to bits and I'm standing there wearing his guts and I'm staring and say, "Huh. I wonder if someone has a napkin?" That kind of denial. That's what I've done with my life; looked at it with a ten-thousand yard stare. Like I was watching some shoddy rendition of some other loser's story.

Jackie....lately....very lately....I have heard God whisper to me saying, "Janey, you do realize don't you that you lost two children? You do get that, right? You understand how tremendous your pain is don't you?"

I want to flip Him the bird!! I want to cry on His shoulder!! I want to admit it and then punch Him in the face!!

Yes I KNOW that God! Can I go to the next movie now, please? Can I skip the part where the loser/heroine/Queen of Denial has an emotional breakdown because she finally realizes in her deep heart of hearts what happened to her? Can I skip that part please? I'll do some other kind of penance. I'll....I'll hang out with the sterling white people and talk about nonsense crap like which is better - sugar from a spoon or sugar from a cube! Heck, I'll play golf and drive around in one of those carts that the rich people rent!!! Anything!! Anything but having to let go and grieve!!! Anything but that because that's when I go from being the guy watching the guy in the foxhole get blown up to being the guy who gets blown up!!! I hate it! I hate it!

Quantum

I denied my pregnancy until I was 6 months along.....I wonder if I wanted to avoid the whole abortion question. But I do know I just wanted it not to be. I said 'Im starting college, so I'm stressed so I'm not getting my period' and 'I'm just gaining the freshman 15' and 'it's just gas' when the baby kicked.
I feel so sad for that girl.

I did the same thing and for the same reason. I often wonder how much Roe played into our denials (though I am loathe to start any debate on THAT topic and so I'll leave it at that).

But I also knew but refused to know. Perhaps because we knew what option we would choose and so we payed out the line in order to not have to face that option before we were ready. Then again, fear plays a role as well. I often ask myself if anyone has ever started a thread in here about that fear when a girl/woman realizes she's pregnant and it's not the optimal time.

I'm sure unmarried young girls aren't the only ones who've experience that frightening, dull tug of realization. I can imagine many women have felt it in hard circumstances. During wartime and economic downturns and divorce and ill health and just having had a baby the year before. All manner of happenstance that occurs and brings a woman to that moment when she looks down at the tester and says, "Oh no."

In fact, I was with a friend when that happened to her. She was divorced and had had a brief fling with someone; had that fling in a moment of lonliness; took a risk; just that one risk and that one risk was all it took. Those two words were exactly the ones she uttered as we stood together in that bathroom, our heads touching like sorority sisters, watching the little red line appear in the tester window. She said in a small pained voice, "Oh no." God! I will never forget that!!

Hard stuff this stuff. Life stuff.

And Jackie's right. Denial doesn't make a person a coward. IMO it's just a forestalling; an inability to deal at the moment. A protective device. Human.

Love you guys!