[didi20]

It is very difficult for me to come here and post because my adoption is so painful for me that I don't even know how to talk about it or consciously access it...Also I feel so insecure about it that if i post and no one replies i feel rejected yet again...but i am desperate so here goes...

My birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I'm sure just as is for everyone else here...my birthday is the most painful day...the time leading up to it makes me angry and hurt and comforted all at the same time...I am so angry because I think about my mom being pregnant and having the only connection of my life with her and she still chose to bring me into this world and never know me....I am so hurt and heartbroken that she didn't chose to keep me or love me and I just don't understand how she could have done that to me...I am comforted because I have this feeling that I know that at least for one day of the year I can be pretty sure that she at least thought about me once and maybe we thought about each other at the same time and that makes me feel connected to her...I hate when my birthday is over because I feel like that was my only guarentee that I was in her mind at the same time that she was in mine...

Every year I hate my birthday because I know its almost over and I dread it but also love it because I know that that day we are both in each other's hearts and that's the only day that happens...I wish for my birthday every year that she will come and scoop me into her arms and tell me it was all a mistake that she regrets every day and how mcuh she loves me and will never leave me agian...that never happens...My a-family always tells me that they are too busy to celebrate with me because it is so close to christmas and we never really talk about adoption anyway so they have no idea how much it hurts me when they forget...I just tell my family and friends I want to pretend that my birthday doesn't exist...I want some huge extranvagant party that someone plans for me so I feel loved or I want to ignore it... I feel like I am disappointed no matter what because I have ridiculously high expectations of both my friends and familiy and my bmom...No one knows or understands how painful this is for me and I don't know what to do to deal with it...I just hate how much it hurts and that i just can't stop it...i end up falling into this gut wrenching sad place that just can't be comforted no matter what and can't pull myself out of...does any one understand this please...I just can't take the hurt and disappointment andymore...it just hurts too much and I just want to know that someone else out there feels the same way becuase I can't take it...i just want her to come back and love me...i feel like i'm just not good enough for anyone to love or celebrate and that's why i hate my birthday...