quantum
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I denied my pregnancy until I was 6 months along. I had a therapist say my denial was a GOOD thing. Is it? Of course now I wonder if I wanted to avoid the whole abortion question. But I do know I just wanted it not to be. I said 'Im starting college, so I'm stressed so I'm not getting my period' and 'I'm just gaining the freshman 15' and 'it's just gas' when the baby kicked.
I feel so sad for that girl.
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I remember sitting on the greyhound bus traveling from Boston to Miami knowing I was pregnant.. and I had to tell my mom and dad.
I could no longer deny that I was pregnant.. I sure understand when a girl or woman tells no one till they give birth.. this if they can hide the pregnancy.. I have no blame what so ever because I think denial is really really a part of this codependency thing and just not the way of the coward..
But I would think that I was a coward because I hid from or did denial..
Guilt.. and more guilt that I was a coward and did not face life full on..
But jeez I had to sort so much in my life and I know I threw myself out there.. I know I did..
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When I was with my first husband I was so depressed. I remember my therapist there asking how my marriage was and me telling her how fabulous it was. I would burst into tears for no reason seemingly (by the way I've never dealt with my relinquishment in therapy, wasn't allowed to in the beginning and my later therapist sort of ignored the topic, speaking of denial).
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Blaming keeps us running in place.. or heck resentments..
This on the fourth step.. page 62 .. Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps
Many of us begin recovery from codependency by looking around and outside of ourselves. That’s often how life gets our attention. We get mad, whine, rage, manipulate, attempt to control, and point the finger at the other person in absolute insistence that he or she is doing something inappropriate, something we do not like, something we want that person to stop doing.
This is what we call an “outward” focus.
Often, focusing on the behavior of others is justified, appropriate, and necessary. But when we tire of expending energy discussing the details of the other person, whether that person is a parent, child, friend, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, co-worker, boss or employee, we face the Fourth Step questions: What’s going on with me? What am I doing? Why did I need to go through these circumstances? What are these circumstances triggering within me? What are the old memories, the old fears, the old tapes, being replayed? What is my agenda? What’s my lesson from this experience?
What do I need to learn about taking care of myself? And what’s stopping me from doing that?
There is a story about a man in the BB of AA.. about him turning his glasses around and seeing himself..
I often think of that image.. turning the glasses around..
In the fourth step of AA we are told to look at our resentments and then see our part in them..
I think for a codependent type person our part in them is we keep them going.. and going and going..
Jackie