[LyndzyBloo]

For the last few months almost everyday or every other day I've been crying.

Now I grew up in a household where you didn't cry unless you had a reason, and than usual Steve gave me one by knocking me in the face or something.

I understand that pregnancy gives you tons of hormone changes and sometimes you cry and don't know why, but I know why I'm crying. I have a few reasons and please be patient if I jump around on this one.

1. I hate not having my mom here to help me with being pregnant. I'm not sure to be angry with her or miss her. Sometimes I hate her but then other times I hate myself for hating her. She drank during her pregnancy with me but not my older brother. She protected him from the "wrath" of Steve but not me. My mom should be here to tell me all of my baby stories and bug me about taking vitamins, but no instead she is in a metal box that sits on my bed every night.

2. I know that this is a bad thing but I can't break myself from it. Even though the father of the baby is married, we are still carrying on a relationship behind closed doors. I know that it's unhealthy for our relationship and it makes me and him horrible people for putting his family through this. Everyday I feel horrible about it, but I turn to this person for everything. My pregnancy was an accident but he has never left me through the whole thing. He holds me when I cry and gives me the best advice he can. He tries to see me everyday and even the days I have all day morning sickness, he leaves a 2 liter bottle of gingerale outside my window, and not the cheap kind that i don't like. Our relationship is always in the dark and it sucks. I cry because I know that by him leaving his wife, that will hurt his family, but the thought of being without him hurts me. I can't live in the shadows for the rest of my life either.

3. My brother and I just recently started talking again. It took a lot because I have a lot of anger toward my brother for not helping me with Steve, but I'm starting to get over it. There are a lot of things I'm still hiding from Josh because I know it will practically kill him. Just recently he found my myspace and found out I'm bisexual. He is the only person in my family now to know and thats not how I wanted him to find out. My brother has no idea about my abortion at 14 or about the massive drug use i've done or how i was hospitalized for trying to kill myself last year. How am I supposed to tell my brother all of that?!?!?! I can't just fly out to California anytime soon and sit down and tell him hey, when I was 14.... He wasn't mad about me being bisexaul but I didn't want him knowing!

4.This is the first year I get to spend christmas with an actual family in 5 years. I was terrified at thanksgiving when i sat down to eat with everyone else because i've never gotten to do that since my mom died. It makes me sad because I have so much axiety about these types of things. I don't know what to do or what to say. It drives me crazy because my mom isn't here!

ITS BEEN TEN YEARS WHY AM I NOT OVER THIS CRAP!

5. Don't get me wrong I love having a place to live but my house is riddiculous! The kids are constantly unsupervised and making a mess in every room and never having to clean it up. They draw on the walls, leave food everywhere, bite each other, and are constantly causing trouble, and the parents don't care!!!! they don't punish them ever! My job is to clean the house since i don't have a job to pay rent but this is getting riddiculous! the other morning i woke up to find sugar all over the living room, the kitchen, in my shoes, there was cat food all over the floor, toys and trash everywhere and one of the children was just sitting there watching tv!!!! I spent 4 hours cleaning up everything, including the cat poop and throw up in the kitchen. I sent the child to their room and when i was done i asked her why she did those things. She responded "mommy didn't make me sugared toast". We cleaned the whole house right before thanksgiving and again the whole house is disgusting all over again. The six year old fell on top of the 11 month old baby and was sent to her room. The parents are too busy playing world of warcraft to notice anything! I'm on the freaking verge of a panic attack right now as I type this and Matt is at work for another 3 hours!!! I don't know whether to grab a backpack of stuff and just leave right now. I have no where to go but I can't be here with all this!

I really wish that I was so far away that no one could find me but Matt. I wish that me and him could just runaway from everything! I don't want to give up my kid because it makes me feel like a bad person. But i refuse to be like my mother and not choose the safest thing for my child.


I'm sorry I'm going crazy