Dear LyndzyBloo,
Hi! I'm Janey! Welcome to the forum and to our Codependency thread!
First let me apologize for not replying to your brave post yesterday but I was away and didn't see it until just now.
You posted so many important things, I'm going to try and hit on them as they come to me......
The things that first struck me was the title you wrote under your name:
Tough as nails.
Pretty cool that you wrote that because I've been thinking a lot about nails lately. The nails other people drove into my emotional coffin and the ones I drove in there after them. Those nails are the toughest and most difficult to push back out of our lives.
Lately I have been posting to people that I have endured as a sort of vampire within my own life; hiding within my mental basement; avoiding the daylight of truth; denying the pain that exists in there with me. This walk into daylight? Into coming to terms with my realities? It is beginning to feel as if I am trying to bust my way out of a coffin and the wood is splintered and jagged where the nails have gone in and my hands are bloodied and raw from the trying.
.....We share somewhat of a common history in childhood- you and I. And I am also a birthmother (I see you are 19 and pregnant and waiting to place a child - at least I hope I'm reading that right). I relinquished 2 children - a daughter and a son - and my heart aches for you in what you have lost and continue to lose.
There are a couple of things I wanted to share. When I was institutionalized I learned that people who are abused as children often have a sort of "victim light" on them. Predators recognize that light and take advantage of it. Half the battle is learning how to turn the light off and that takes professional help. I would echo Jackie in that I strongly recommend finding help through therapy to recovery what was taken from you. Be kind to yourself Lyndzy....take care of you.
The other half of the battle is learning not to live the "trip-wire" existence. I liken myself to those guys you see in combat movies who're battled-hardened and leery. And they walk through the jungle with panther-like eyes, not trusting anyone, listening for every sound, every movement. There is also the hatred such a childhood leaves on the soul; a bitterness. I have a terrible time not with forgiving an enemy but with having the slightest compassion for them. Indifference; the ugliest of emotions.
On the subject of the street....the thing I remember most about that life was the walking everywhere to get nowhere. It is difficult to relay that experience to other people but that was the thing. THe endless walking. Passing by a factory window and seeing my reflection; that non-person looking back at me with hollow eyes. And me standing before that relfection thinking, "Who is that? Is that me? Is this what I had planned for myself? Who am I? I can't see past this." The walking through the night to find a place to rest before the sun beat down. Again...the vampire life.
Not that I think I'm a vampire! LOL! Hope nobody thinks that I believe that!!
Trust me. I'm just your average homosapien. It's just that the street is a lonely, blank existence. I am sure you know what I mean. Being so tired, so hungry. I dunno....
I'm going to stop here for now. This post was not supposed to be about me anyhow.
I have to take in the stuff that Jackie and Quantum have written and a PM that came to me from a very good friend. Plus what you've written. I have to weigh this stuff out and think.
Such wonderful people here with so much wisdom.
Love you all!
Whoa, thought it was a nightmare,
Lo, its all so true,
They told me, dont go walkin slow
cause devils on the loose.
Better run through the jungle,
Better run through the jungle,
Better run through the jungle,
Woa, dont look back to see.
CCR