[Jackiejdajda]

LyndzyBloo

I'd probably feel a lot better to say that Steve was an addict or an alcoholic to give myself some reason why he did those things to me and my mom. The truth is he never drank/did drugs as far as I know. He used to beat my mother for being an alcoholic and having Vodka in the house so she started having me hide the bottles for her.

Well your mother addicted then.. and that gives you an in in any one of the codependency Alanon type meetings.. real time in your city.
A way to learn how to sort some of this.. A way to find people that can say to you “I understand what you are going through.”
This and therapy may help..
What a terrible terrible thing this man Steve is.. I was thinking of you last nite and what you must have gone through..
I read your bio and see you are pregnant and thinking of relinquishing.. I hope we can help you with this.. In program we learn that we can not tell a person what to do.. all we can do is share what we have learned from this..
The women that are participating in this thread have relinquished.. So you are not alone..

My whole life I've doubted myself and never had confidence. I have a very hard time trusting a lot of people including my family. I grew up thinking that what George did was normal and acceptable, and in my later years when i was raped by two different other people I shrugged it off and acted like it wasn't a big deal. These were people I was leaning on for help while I was homeless. Until recently I would never open up to anyone and I'm hesitant about being in any kind of relationships because of trust and because I look at sex as a chore really. Growing up I used to beat myself up in school by hitting myself and chocking myself. When I was 14 I tried to kill myself and then I endulged myself in the wrong crowed and I was doing all sorts of drugs; crack, cocaine, pot, acid, mushrooms, meth, pills, inhalents, but during that time I never touched herion and alcohol because of my mother. I trusted no one in school not even my teachers who were there to help me. I almost dropped out multiple times because I didn't have the will to continue doing good in my lfe. What happened in my childhood had/has such a negative effect on my life. I have multiple disorders involving axiety and PTSD, and I still haven't felt the feeling of being safe.

Again you are not alone.. After I relinquished my son I got into drugs and.. I hated alcohol because my mom drank to excess..
And I ran from everything.. I am from the sixties..
But I survived.. some did not..

Also I did learn how to trust.. I honestly did..

I have been told a few times that I react differently towards people because of a lack of trust or just that social axiety that I have. I wouln't say that it's negative, usually it comes off as shy but then those who know me say i'm the most outgoing person ever! Sometimes it's hard to have conversations because it may be a word, a smell, or even if the topic is close to what happened to me, my PTSD kicks in and depending on how bad it is I may start crying or worse black out. During my black outs, i'm completly unaware of whats happening. I can remember one time with my best friend Matt (who I talk about a lot because he is the only guy I trust), we we're at a restraunt and he mentioned something and it driggered a black out and apparently i threw a chair and screamed. I don't remember any of that.

I hope and pray you keep working towards level ground for yourself..
In my time some survived and some did not.. Some came out of the insanity of counter culture drugs etc.. and some did not.
I came out of it.. I married and I had kids and I turned it all around..
I did not go for therapy I just stopped being difficult with myself..

I hate to say this but i still talk to Steve on a very respectable level for one reason. His son ben was born the same year as my abortion and I love Ben. That child means more to me than anything....(well except my own little one on the way) But I'm so thankful for that little guy that I still talk to Steve even though I hate him so much. I never go and visit Steve alone though I always take Matt with me.

You are strong woman that is obvious..

But thank you for taking the time to read all that and this and for recommending a book that may help. I appreciate that your very understanding and not judgemental.

My goodness how can I judge you.. I admire you.. You are a survivor..
My daughter is part of the ‘life’ today.. she is in a band..
The Toronto Times - Sinkin Ships

You can see her picture and she writes the words to the music.. if you put Naomi Allan in a search engine.. you will see more.. She was in another band called 2 Pump Louie..
She wrote one song called .. 'I want to have an aliens baby'.. or something like that.. I smile everytime I think of this..
I remember when she learned about me giving my son up for adoption and how I did not speak about him for a very long time..
My life heading into her life.. and so on..

You live in a hard world.. I am glad you are still standing..

Jackie