Thank you for the recommendation Jackie and yes I do plan on going through a lot of counsling since I've never gone through any yet.
Quote:
|
Was Steve an addict or an alcoholic?
|
I'd probably feel a lot better to say that Steve was an addict or an alcoholic to give myself some reason why he did those things to me and my mom. The truth is he never drank/did drugs as far as I know. He used to beat my mother for being an alcoholic and having Vodka in the house so she started having me hide the bottles for her.
Quote:
|
Can you share on how these terrible things have affected your life? Do you think you react in a negaive way towards some people or all people?
|
My whole life I've doubted myself and never had confidence. I have a very hard time trusting a lot of people including my family. I grew up thinking that what George did was normal and acceptable, and in my later years when i was raped by two different other people I shrugged it off and acted like it wasn't a big deal. These were people I was leaning on for help while I was homeless. Until recently I would never open up to anyone and I'm hesitant about being in any kind of relationships because of trust and because I look at sex as a chore really. Growing up I used to beat myself up in school by hitting myself and chocking myself. When I was 14 I tried to kill myself and then I endulged myself in the wrong crowed and I was doing all sorts of drugs; crack, cocaine, pot, acid, mushrooms, meth, pills, inhalents, but during that time I never touched herion and alcohol because of my mother. I trusted no one in school not even my teachers who were there to help me. I almost dropped out multiple times because I didn't have the will to continue doing good in my lfe. What happened in my childhood had/has such a negative effect on my life. I have multiple disorders involving axiety and PTSD, and I still haven't felt the feeling of being safe.
I have been told a few times that I react differently towards people because of a lack of trust or just that social axiety that I have. I wouln't say that it's negative, usually it comes off as shy but then those who know me say i'm the most outgoing person ever! Sometimes it's hard to have conversations because it may be a word, a smell, or even if the topic is close to what happened to me, my PTSD kicks in and depending on how bad it is I may start crying or worse black out. During my black outs, i'm completly unaware of whats happening. I can remember one time with my best friend Matt (who I talk about a lot because he is the only guy I trust), we we're at a restraunt and he mentioned something and it driggered a black out and apparently i threw a chair and screamed. I don't remember any of that.
I hate to say this but i still talk to Steve on a very respectable level for one reason. His son ben was born the same year as my abortion and I love Ben. That child means more to me than anything....(well except my own little one on the way) But I'm so thankful for that little guy that I still talk to Steve even though I hate him so much. I never go and visit Steve alone though I always take Matt with me.
But thank you for taking the time to read all that and this and for recommending a book that may help. I appreciate that your very understanding and not judgemental.
Lyndz