This is very hard what you are going through. You must allow yourself to grieve and if others in your life don't understand (and unfortunately, many won't), you will need to find support on your own, whether that be through private counseling, an adoption support group, coming here, or all of the above.
The first year for me was the very hardest, and even though it was my choice and I really was going for adoption from the get-go, it still hurt. People think because it was your decision, it shouldn't be painful, and that is plain ridiculous. You suffered a terrible loss, no matter what. I had semi-open, and that helped me to know my son was ok and seeing pictures and getting updates, etc., but it was still very hard. The counseling really helped me, and my agency did provide very good post-adoption counseling. I also got private counseling later on and currently attend a triad support group. Writing my feelings in a journal really helped a lot, too, as did writing poetry, drawing and listening to music.
Everyone grieves in their own way, and there is no timetable. Right now, it's very, very raw. The first year, as I said, was the hardest for me, but I did go back to work, and was lucky to have some friends who listened to me and supported me. I do not regret my decision, though sometimes I regret my circumstances.
Just know we understand and are here for you.
