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Originally Posted By Carol Bird, Birthfamily Forum, Older Adoptions

I'm so sorry your a-parents feel the way they do, Sonata. There are many cases like yours, and it is impossible for those of us who have not had to struggle with this issue to fully understand your dilemma. (By the way, Jennifer is a reunited adoptee who is ALSO a young birthmom in Open Adoption. She's a wise young lady.)

I wonder if you'd write to me personally at my e-mail address. I have some articles I can send you. One is a "Letter to Mom and Dad" by an adoptee (Mom and Dad are adoptive parents). In her letter (article) she explains to them her desperate NEED to know her identity. It might be something you can make a few copies from and leave in your a-parents' dresser drawers...on the "chance" they might read it.

GUILT is something we Birthmothers and Adoptees have had to contend with most of our lives. Birthmoms feel guilt about having given up their babies and tend to regularly "beat themselves up" over what they consider their horrible SIN.
(Been there, done that!)

Adoptees whose a-parents won't face the truth, live with guilt for WANTING to know their personal geneological identity. We all have that need and desire, Sonata, so stop beating YOURself up over it. You have a RIGHT to know your genetic history and your children have a right to know their birthfamily.

Since my daughter and I reunited 15 years ago, I have shared her with her family and have grown to love them. Her mom and dad are wonderful people and are very supportive of our reunion. My granddaughters have grown up knowing me as Grandma and, though I will never be able to be MOM to my daughter, I have a good relationship with her, and I know she loves me.

Your parents need counseling. They need to understand that they don't OWN you. They need to be convinced that THEY are your parents and you will always love them as your parents ... BUT, you need to know WHY YOU ARE YOU! The only way you can learn that is to reach out and touch those who share your genes and blood.

There is MORE than enough love to spread around! When an adult son or daughter marry, his/her parents must share him/her with the spouse's parents and relatives. When the adult son or daughter has children, their parents have to share them with their grandchildren ... and share the grandchildren with the other grandparents.

What's the big deal? Insecurity!

My daughter was born in 1954. Those years before loosening of adoption laws were hard years on ALL members of the triad. The Birthmother made the most painful decision of her life --- the decision to give up her baby. That decision was something she lived with -- with much pain -- all of her child's lifetime. Years filled with remorse; with not only empty arms, but also an empty "hole in her heart". Birthmoms lived with a painful "secret"-- and those of the pre 1980s had NO support at all. Parents wouldn't hear when they wanted to talk about their emptiness; they were ashamed to tell friends, going into counseling was unheard of, there were no wonderful books like ThePrimal Wound, Adoption Wisdom, Journey of the Adopted Self, and others that helped us all understand that we are not alone, and we have a right to know our history, etc. Talk about punishment.

The adoptive parents, who were already sensitive because of their inability to give birth to children, spent the early years in fear that their child's birthmother or birthfather would come and spirit him/her away from them. They probably
never told acquaintances that their child/children were adopted. They existed in a make-believe world of their own.

But the one who has been hurt even worse is the adoptee. They learned to pull the shade down on that other part of their life (the wanting, needing part; the part FAT with unanswered questions).

You need to convince your parents that you love them dearly, but that they have to face reality.

My daughter's mom was as excited about Susan's and my reunion as we were, but my daughter's mom and dad are my own parents' ages ... mature and very perceptive. Susan and I are lucky!

I wish I could help you through this, but all I can do is "hold your hand" and give you support and encouragement.

Drop me a line and I'll send you some reading material that might provide you with some ideas. If you haven't already, please read Betty Jean Lifton's "Journey of the Adopted Self," Marlou Russell's "Adoption Wisdom," and Nancy Verrier's "The Primal Wound." These are books you can read and reread through the years. They provide answers and support and they give examples that can be very helpful. They are what I call "bedside" books ... you don't have to read them from cover to cover immediately, but can skim through them to find answers to (or support on) particular issues of the moment. Birthfamily issues; Adoptive family issues; your own personal issues are all discussed along with examples.

Read other posts in my Forum and in Marlou's Adoptee Issues Forum, right under this one. You'll be amazed at how many others are struggling with the same issues as you are.

Hugs, Carol