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I feel that if you bring a teenage foster child into your home, you have to be prepared to have a child that does not agree with your standards. A foster child has had experiences that your biological children have not. They are not in foster care because they had a stable, loving, moral family. You can't change that. If it is very important to you that the conform to your rules, then I think teenage adoption is not for you. My daughter, at age six, when she came to us, had many behaviors that didn't fit with our family "rules". She cussed, she stole, she lied, she was sexually inappropriate. (still does 6 years later) I did not expect her to change just so she could fit into our family. In fact, just the opposite, we had to do a lot of changing. She will probably never adopt our family "morals". But I do believe that she is internallizing some things. With an older child, that is success in my book.
I don't agree that you should give this boy the option of either obeying the rules or living somewhere else. If you feel that you can't live with someone who disobeys the rules, thats fine. But you then need to pass on this placement. This boy will disobey the rules. Someone else asked - what will you do then? Its a valid question.
I don't mean to sound harsh. All families have situations that they cannot accept. You have to determine what that is for you. You have to determine your "line in the sand". It is different for everyone. My line in the sand is scary violence, your may be pornography. Others may not tolerate lying. You have to determine what is exceptable and find a child that fits that criteria. I don't believe that you should expect the child to conform to your beliefs when they have so totally opposite life experiences. For a traumatized child who has experienced much rejection, that is too much.
I realize you are trying to do a good thing. We all are. But you need to find where you fit. You need to find a child that fits. This one doesn't sound like the one. IMO
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