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Chiming in here later......IMO, this is a set up for failure. I don't mean to sound so harsh; but I completely understand how/what you mean by not wanting him to do certain things within your home. And, because we'd be the same way, there's no way we'd consider adopting an older child who's been used to dealing with some things on his own terms. Yes, many teens have and do--whether awaiting adoption or not; but the older a child is, the higher the chances for disruption. That said, adopting a teen has it's own set of issues, but knowing from the start that some of 'his issues' won't mesh with your family now, is, like I said, IMO, a set up for failure.
And, the other concern in this, would be that you're upsetting the birth order within your home. You mention that you have an 8yr old too. Bringing in a much older kid who's been versed within the foster care system is taking a significant risk for problems too.
Perhaps considering a much younger child for adoption would be better? At least adopting a child younger than 8yrs old might match better with your family.
Again, I don't mean to sound judgemental or harsh. Our family has gone through horrific times with older adopted children and I wouldn't wish those moments on anyone.
Sincerely,
Linny
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