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What if I ask if she wants a "mutual" first meeting and she doesn't answer or says NO?
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Then that means she doesn't want to meet, or is not ready to meet. However, showing up on her doorstep with no preparation or advanced notice is, IMO, a far worse risk to take. If you just show up and say "oh, I don't want a relationship or anything, but right here and now I want some questions answered for closure" that is a recipe for disaster.
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And if I do send a letter....how long do you expect someone to wait for contact?? Because the anxiety of that could really tear someone apart.
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There is no timeframe here. You may wait a short time, or an indefinite time. It's really hard to say. And I know the anxiety is difficult. I am waiting to hear from my son (just indirectly through an agency intermediary). He indicates he will write, but I've been waiting for over a year. He's JUST NOT READY, and that's OK.
I would advise writing your bmom a letter. She can then absorb and process the fact that you have found her. Reunion brings up very strong emotions for all members of the triad. They need time to process this and take it all in. It's just not cool to show up on anyone's doorstep unannounced, but in an adoption reunion situation, it's probably the worst way to go. To me, it would feel like an ambush, I would be in total shock, and my reaction would probably be not what my son would want (or even what I would want, but I'd be reacting out of being totally blindsided and unprepared for such a monumental, emotionally-charged situation). Just MHO.