[sls217]

This is my first post in any adoption forum, because I didn't know I was adopted until yesterday. I was going through some old family files looking for a particular item and I found a file labeled "Personal" with my dads initials. That's where I found the papers. I am floored.

The kicker? I am 42 years old. Obviously my parents never planned on telling me, and my mom died 5 years ago keeping the secret. To be truthful there were times I wondered -- no pictures of my mom pregnant, no early baby pictures, a birth certificate that did not list the parents names -- its a Canadian cert so they gave me some story of why it was like that which I believed, no answers to specific questions (asked of my mom & dad when I was pregnant with my first child.) I remember point blank asking my parents if was adopted when I was around 18, they laughed & said I was being ridiculous & why would I think that? (I thought that because I don't look anything like either of them) So they had the opportunity to tell me -- I was old enough to handle it--but they didn't.

I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me, I feel as if my entire life has been based on lies and secrecy, I am completely numb. I keep looking back at the papers I found to make sure it's real.

I have a special needs child (my 4 yo son who has autism) and my life has been difficult since his diagnosis. I am already seeing a psychiatrist because of the stress involved in raising him, so I am fortunate to have support and access to a doctor I trust. I have not told any of my family or friends yet -- the first one will be my husband but I am afraid at what he is going to think or say. We have been married over 15 years and our relationship has been a little rocky lately, mainly due to the stress of caring for an autistic child. I am just afraid that he will say something like "it doesnt change anything" or "your parents are still your parents because they are all you've ever known". Maybe I am just being paranoid, but I have no idea what he is going to say or think. It scares me.

My head is reeling right now with a million questions... why? (a lot of those), are my birth parents still living , do I have brothers & sisters (I have always been an only child), more why's...

I am angry that my parents didn't have enough respect for me to be honest with me.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can help myself deal with this? I can't even look at my dad right now (he has lived with me ever since my mom died). He has heart problems and I am afraid I would give him a heart attack if I told him that I knew. But I don't think I can keep it in. Help?!?!