[blessedbybug]

If there is one thing I've learned in our attempts to keep open and build relatioships with the other families of our kids it is that at the most basic level, it's complicated. Our children both have siblings who are either parented by their birth mothers or in adoptive homes. And they know that they are sibs and they all ask hard questions and we just answer them one by one. As I've attempted to "plan" for these relationships, I've had to let go of so much and honestly, take what we get. I would love to hold my kids' other families accountable for their part of what I have hoped, still hope (but am more realistic about) is a growing relationship but I've learned through much grief and frustration, that the reality is that I can only control my part in this. And we take what we get, always keeping the door open for visits, sending updates with pictures as regularly as possible and making every effort to let them know they are important to us. So far, all of these attempts have basically been taken advantage of in that, we have rare mutual contact. It's all me making the effort. And so, we've had to modify our part in things as we go along. I've had to tone down how I speak to my kids about their future relationship with their other families because frankly, I just don't know. Nothing is guaranteed and as much as I feel it is important to know them, to work on this relationship, it is of equal importance that I protect my children by not making promises I can't keep. This is yet another are in adoption that IMO, if we feel like we have some control, some of us just don't. And I for one, have had to let it go.

That said, I still wouldn't change anything. We've basically been open to visits anytime within reason due to our distance and responsibilities in our family. And we've kept up our communication through letters, and willingly had discussions with our kid's other families about how to handle sibling relationships. All you can do is hope that they are preparing the children they parented for a meeting. And all you can do is say "we're coming" and believe that if you are to get together, you will find a way to make it work and make the most of it. I can't control what they do, but I can't live in fear wondering what's going to happen, especially when we have decided it is worth it for the sake of our children to know their other families to make the effort.

It is so scary though, the unknown of it all. It is truly the biggest challenge of an open adoption and the relationships involved. You have to decide what you want in this relationship, how much effort you are willing to put into it and go from there.

I hope things work out and blessings as you go through this next step...