I agree that you should try not to worry about how the kids will respond to the visit. It is really their parents responsibility to help them work through any feelings and their parents decision as to what to tell them. Now, I would be prepared with a couple generic answers to any questions they might have, such as ..."Oh we love "baby" so much and we are so happy that we get to be their mom/dad." and "Well, I'm not sure you should probably ask your mom/dad that question."
As for openness... IF you are comfortable with more than I would just say. "If you would like, we would be happy to do XYZ to keep in contact with you more." IF you are afraid they will ask for too much at this point, don't ask. At this point you are in control of the situation, just say we are willing to do XYZ if you would like. If it were me I would probably leave the visit discussion for a later time and see how things progress. As for "wanting" from her, I completely understand. We send pics and letters and were open to visits with our children's bparents, but we hear nothing. I would love nothing more than to have a picture of them or at least a note. However, I don't think you should base what you are willing to do on what bmom is willing to do. She may just be too busy to send you things or she may not be ready too. It may be harder for her to actually send something than it is to talk about it on the phone or read your updates. It doesn't hurt to tell her "We'd love it if you sent us XYZ." But if she does it or not is completely up to her.
Good luck! and CONGRATS on finalization!
