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Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh
Now, there you go! Express that anger even if it is misdirected at me! Good for you! (I say this in jest. Just amused.)
But seriously. I have continued to push and prod throughout this post, all of you, for reasons. Everything I read here is ABSOLUTELY SCARY. There's a LOT of unhealthy stuff going on in adoption relationships and it NEEDS to change. For you. For the other party opposite you. For our children. For society. For the birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptees who will follow in our footsteps in coming years.
Change starts somewhere. I'm not content to sit by and watch people get caught up in "well, this is good enough" or "it's never going to change."
We can foster change. I have to believe we can. Or it all seems hopeless and pointless.
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Unfortunaly this is an important lesson to learn in any relationship. Not just adoption related.
You can't force people to be what you want them to be. You can't force them to change their beliefs, actions, personalities etc.
Yes, there can always be a hope or an invitation for change.
But it takes BOTH sides to make a change and all we have control over is our side. Our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, actions. If the other side is unwilling or unable to change than you are left with what you have.
Which may be much less than what you want or hope for.
Does that make the whole relationship hopeless and pointless? No
It just makes it "reality". Living and dealing with the realities of life.
Many of us have similiar dissapointments, anger, frustrations with other members of our families, or with friends.
But in the end we just accept people for who they are and love them anyways, or we choose to not accept them.
I couldn't imagine the pressure that would be on me if I were to live up to everyones expectations of me. In the end I am who I am and you either accept me for who I am or you don't. It's their choice.
So why should I hold others to a higher standard than I would myself and why would not living up to their standards or me not living up to theirs make our relationship pointless and hopeless?
There is always Hope if you just keep trying. But trying doesn't mean destroying yourself in the process.
I think belleinblue is on the right track. She is doing her part. Why should she torture herself trying to make the relationship something it's not. You can only ask something so many times before you just stop asking. You realize in time things may change, but for now you let go of it and if it comes than GREAT, if not than it's not something your going to stress and fret over.