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I totally get it. We brought our son home at 10 days old. I was at the hospital when he was born. He was 5 weeks premature, red, scrawny, he seemed like a fragile little stranger. The look in his birthmom's eyes when she saw him was one of pure love and total joy. I felt so guilty for "taking" him from her. I felt a huge responsibility...beyond just parenting him, I needed to not screw up because his first family had entrusted him to me.
As I took care of him, our bond grew, slowly. "Fake it til you make it" was my mantra. Every month I felt more real, more like his mom.
Even up until a year old I occasionally felt like the baby sitter.
He is now almost 2 and something totally transformative and magical has happened. I am absolutely totally bat-s@#t insane about this kid...I can't wait to see him if I have been away for an hour! Tonight I took him to see some African drumming and in the middle of dancing around he ran over to me and kissed me and then jumped up and started dancing again. A moment like that is so precious to me because I can't believe there was a time I didn't feel completely attached to him.
Give it time, try to do activities that connect you. For instance, I started taking a bath with my son when he was old enough to sit in the water. Just splashing around with him, bathing him and having that skin to skin contact was a great way for us to bond.
And kudos for reaching out...I think that is so important.
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