There were several factors....that for sure was one. Also scary hospital stay out of state.... and I had a chronic cough (which I now think may have been related to nerves) so I couldn't hold him much or sing to him for the first 5 months. Also participating (and yeah I was really involved) in the birth was confusing to me.
But my primary thing was fear based on our failed placement which happened just 7 months prior. Add no counseling and new mom exhaustion to the mix and I was just shut down. I don't think I mourned "Ryan" until well after E was born.
All that combined with a very independent baby!
BTW E truly is independent and his personality was not effected by my own issues. He never would have known BELIEVE ME and we had the MOST nurturing woman in the world helping me care for him. He was ALWAYS held even if I was coughing (a bit defensive LOL)